Thursday, May 19, 2011

My worst Day relived...

Well, I wonder if I actually remember how to blog? I haven't blogged since February, while I was in the middle of my IVF cycle. Let me catch everyone up a bit. I know my dear Faith 'N' Fertility friends perhaps knows the outcome, but for any of you that were following just my blog, let me take you back to February.


So in my last blog, we had just gotten to Missouri, and were mid cycle. All seemed to be going so well. In fact my cycle was described as "perfect". I responded correctly to all my meds, there didn't appear to be any fluid accumulating as we thought maybe there would be. My overies filled up with eggs, 41 to be exact. Yes 41. I cannot even begin to describe THAT feeling! Carrying around 41 eggs is quite a task I came to find out! As soon as my follies grew to the point of discomfort, my body sort of "freaked" out. I vomited almost hourly. I could not keep food down. I could not potty without screaming (my ovaries got soo huge they were rubbing my kidneys) I felt like I was on my death bed. I was taking dramamine by the handfuls! I lived on mash potatoes and applesauce. I was very scared, scared that this was not right. It was only natural to compare myself to Amy, and she felt good most days (when I say good, I mean she felt good enough to shower and maybe take a lap around the parking lot. Ha! Ha!) In fact (yes Amy I'm telling the story) one night I was so, so sick and poor Amy had to listen to me day after day, night after night get sick in the hotel bathroom, well this night was the worst. I couldn't pull myself away from the toilet, I vomited so violently I peed my pants, all over myself and our bathroom floor. Amy, without a thought otherwise, went and got me new pants, took my wet ones off, cleaned the floor, dressed me and put me back to bed! WOW! That's a BEST friend!!!


Although I felt like crap, doc said things looked great, and we would trudge through. So we had the egg retrieval (Dave was now down in Missouri, and was ready to make his debut in the cycle), they retrieved 41 Eggs. Of the 41 eggs 25 were mature, and of the 25 fertilized, 6 made it to embryo state. Doc said he hadn't seen such "perfect" embryos in a while. They grade them, and all of mine were A-'s. (They must take after their mommy! LOL!) We discussed and had 2 transfered and froze 4 for later. Boom, it was all over. We returned to Indiana, and the 2 week wait began!


As soon as I got home, it seemed as though "All Hell broke loose", so to speak. Doc had said that I would have a chance of what's called "hyperstimming" because I have PCOS, and made tons of eggs, I was at higher risk for my ovaries to hyper-stimulate, and fluid would collect in my belly. Oh boy did it ever! In a matter of about 3 days I gained over 20 pounds! All in my belly. I looked 8 months pregnant. I stayed in close contact with Dr. S, and he said if my breathing ever felt compromised to get to the nearest ER. It was soo hard because he was in MO, and I soo badly wanted to drive there so he could take care of me! He has experience with high risk IVF cycles. Well, needless to say, I could not return to work, I slept in a lazy boy, and finally it got soo bad, it really started to impend on my breathing. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without getting very short of breath. I called doc, and he said to go to the hospital. So off we went.


I arrived to the hospital, they rushed me right in. I think they thought I was ready to deliver. I sure looked like I was! They ran all sorts of blood tests, did an ultrasound to check my ovaries (which were larger than grapefruits they said) and belly. This entire time I am sooo scared. Not for myself but for my 2 sweet babies that were trying to implant themselves in my belly. I already was a very protective mama! One of the labs came back abnormal the PT. Because I was short of breath, I guess they needed to rule out a P.E. (blood clot in my lung), so they wanted to do an MRI. I refused it. I was not going to subject my babies to that amount of radiation. I am an educated person, who also happens to be a respiratory therapist. In my heart of hearts i knew it wasn't a PE. So I refused. THEN, the radiologists walk in all gowned up and begin to explain that I have A LOT of fluid in my abdomen, and they needed to tap my belly. I couldn't believe this was all happening to me! Why was my body reacting this way? Dr. Simckes told me that he has never had a patient hyper-stim. That only 2-3% of women do. So why the hell did it have to happen to me? I was soo worried how my 2 little ones were, while this "tornato" ripped through my body.          (Below is a picture of how big my belly got from all the fluid!!!)






The next week and a half, I spent in the lazy boy. I longed for a night in my own bed! I couldn't go back to work. So that left me home to worry, and think, and pray, and dream. I did it all!! Then 2 days before I was due to test, the unthinkable happened. My worst nightmare. I began to bleed. The bleeding was abnormal. tissue-like. I immediately called the clinic. Doc said to be on bed rest, and to go take my Beta HCG. That some bleeding could just mean that they were implanting. I sooo prayed that was the case!! I tested, and waited. It seemed like eternity while I waited for the results. Finally I got the call. It was POSITIVE...but a low positive. I was to test in 48 hours to see if my numbers go up.


Over the next 48 hours, I did nothing but plead with God. I stayed up late at night praying, I woke up in the middle of the night and prayed, and first thing in the morning I...you got it...PRAYED! I wanted these babies more than ANYTHING. I wanted to get the chance to be their mommy. To pinch their chubby cheeks and push them on the swing set. I claimed them as mine, and I pleaded to the Lord to not take them!


I went to take the final HCG.  My numbers went down. I was devastated. It shook me to my core. All I could do was cling to my husband and cry. We cried for days. We went through every emotion. Disbelief, anger, rage, sorrow, we felt them all. We couldn't believe we had gone through this to end up with loss. Over the next passing days and weeks I got pretty upset with God, I must admit. I just didn't understand. Why were all my friends getting pregnant, but I couldn't? Why did I have to suffer the way I did for Him to take them in the end? I couldn't understand...but now I do. I understand now. (My next blog I will tell you what I know. God has revealed soo much to me!)


I want to keep up with blogging. I think I have a story to tell. It may not have a happy ending...yet, but if I can encourage 1 person who reads this, then I have succeeded in what I set out to do. Thank you all for being soo patient and soo supportive to me during my journey to motherhood! Blessings to you all!


Logan

4 comments:

  1. I am sitting here in my office crying Logan....you are so very strong and I am praying right along side you my friend. This blog has done a few things to my emotions as well as I was taken back to when I lost my twin babies too. It has been over 4 years for me and I miss being their mommy all the time and am praying for the time I will have someone to call me mommy. This has been very therapeutic for me and you are touching so many hearts and may not even know it. You are destined to be someone Mom, I know it in my heart and will be praying that you get the answers you are seeking. I am always here for you.

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  2. You bless me so much Logan...your testimony is so good! I cant wait to hear all the new things God is showing you!!

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  3. I understand how you feel. My doctor did not let me complete our IVF cycle when I hyper-stimulated, they cancelled it immediately. It was hard to know that I would have to wait even longer. Once we did transfer the embryos after a FET, I miscarried at 8 weeks. Hyper-stimulating is probably the worst feeling I have ever felt. I am so sorry you had to go through this, it's not an easy burden to have because so many people don't understand, but my husband and I continue to say that God glory will be so much greater by this.

    Sandy

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  4. Oh Sandy, that you for your words! I, too am soo sorry you had to experience loss. Hyper- stimming is indeed the worst thing i have ever gone through! However I'm sure we would both agree, we'd do it all over again if we could've gotten our miracle after it!!

    Be Blessed!

    Lo

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