Sunday, November 27, 2011

A Christmas tradition

I thought I'd share a Christmas tradition that my mom and I have. I look forward to it every year. We make "Jewelry Christmas Trees". All year long we hunt for jewelry at garage sales, auctions, sales and we also save those dreaded earrings that you happen to loose its mate, bracelets that loose charms, jewels etc. It can all be used. We also look for new and old picture frames of all different shapes and sizes.


It's really fun to go through the jewelry and play the "oh I remember this" game. Its also very special when you are able to use family members old jewelry. 


We use felt as a background and pipe cleaners to form the shape of the tree. And of course, the ever so handy glue gun to attach the jewelry!


This year I decided to try something different, and I LOVE how it turned out!! I took a page out of one my grandmothers old hymnals. I used it as the backdrop of my "Jewelry Christmas Tree". This hymn was one of her favorite hymns, and I just LOVED the name of it " I Love to Tell The Story".  The neat thing is the jewelry I used in this tree was some of my moms, my 2 grandmas, and some of my husbands grandmas. So that makes it even more special. 


This is a Christmas tradition I look forward to for soo many reasons. I love the "story" each tree tells, and I love the time I get to spend with my mom when we make these! I know I will have them to treasure for years and years!


Here is the tree I made this year. I REALLY think it turned out great!! What do you think??


Happy Holiday Season Everyone!!


Thursday, November 17, 2011

We want to adopt

I have changed my train of thought. I need to start thinking more like a mommy. If my child were here on earth, would I not do anything and everything for my baby? Of course I would. If I could fast forward and see the face of my future child, touch them , feel them, smell them...would I not break down walls to get to them? Then why am I not doing that now? I feel soo strongly that God would not have given me or David the desire to become parents if it were not His will. I feel desperate. I have such a desire to be a mommy, and David a daddy. Our hearts feel empty. We have soo much love to give a child. So I am going to do everything I can do to find them! (Watch out mama's on a mission)


So I am reaching out to you family, friends, blog followers, and just passers by.
My husband David and I have been trying to conceive for nearly 7 years. We have been through the whole gamete of fertility treatments including IVF. David is 35 and I am 32. We are a loving Christian family and currently have no children (we have 3 angel babies in heaven from miscarriages) David works as a chemical/admixture sales rep for a Global chemical company and I am a registered respiratory therapist, and also own my own business (www.faithnfertility.org)
We have one dog, Maddie, who is a very sweet girl and would LOVE to have a brother or sister to play with. We live in a big farm house with 5 bedrooms to fill! We have lots of land for our future darling to run and play on!
David enjoys anything outside, woodworking, and collects tractors. I enjoy cooking, baking, collecting antiques, swimming, shopping and anything girlie! We enjoy traveling and taking family vacations. We love Colts Football and St. Louis Cardinal Baseball. We love spending time with eachother. We are blessed to be best friends!


We hope that you will forward our information to anyone considering giving their baby up for adoption. We are interested in a private adoption, rather than going through an agency (for now). We know this is a major decision, but please know your child would be such an answer to our prayers.
Please feel free to email me at Logan_Mynatt@yahoo.com


Thank you soo much for reading this and passing this along! We trust the Lord has this all planned out, so we will continue to wait.


David and Logan Mynatt


Saturday, November 5, 2011

I'll run out of breath...



Tonight I had a really special moment with my husband. The moment touched my soul. I think I will always remember this night and our "moment".


We were laying in bed, cuddling. Just talking about our day and life in general. Sometimes "life" passes by soo quickly you actually forget to talk about it. In fact... 9 months, 9 months has passed. 9 months since my IVF cycle. Nearly 9 months ago I had a dream that I clung soo tightly to. A dream that I would be a mommy. That dream was put on hold. The Lord said "not yet". I had a miscarriage. So here I am supposed to be nearly 40 weeks pregnant, but I'm not. Instead, I wait. We wait. 


The moment I experienced with my husband was a build up of 9 painful months. 9 months without a heartbeat, 9 months without an ultrasound, 9 months without celebrating a new life, 9 months without a baby shower, 9 months with no growing belly, 9 months without daddy feeling his son kick when he sings to mommy's belly. 9 months without packing the bag for the hospital, or placing the car seat in the car anticipating when baby will come. 9 months of knowing we wouldn't be bringing a baby home in time for our 7th wedding anniversary (Nov. 20th) 


Our moment was precious. Our moment was perhaps something people who have children will never know. I believe God gave us our "moment" tonight. We were praying to Him when it happened...


As we were praying I asked David to pray for a miracle. To pray that the Lord would bring us a child. That it didn't matter how. As David is praying he says " Lord, you know our hearts. You know we feel broken. Lord, we are waiting. We have been waiting soo long." Then Dave stops. He says "Lord we have asked for miraculous works, I'm not sure what's going on, what the hold up is but, I'm tired...If I wait any longer I'll run out of breath"


That literally broke my heart. He'll run out of breath? My husband usually keeps things kinda to himself. But tonight God gave us our "moment". I got to hear my husband pray to god for a baby. I got to hear my husband plead to the Lord. I got to see into the window of my husbands heart. 


When we finished praying, I continued my prayer silently to the Lord. I prayed that He would hear my husbands plea for a child. That the Lord would lift this heavy burden and allow David to breathe again. That He would hear the exhaustion in David's prayer, how tired he was of waiting. I prayed that the Lord would work a miracle for my husband. I want soo desperately for him to be a daddy. It breaks my heart. 


I was reminded of the days I used to be a competitive swimmer. I would have to hold my breath for a VERY long time. Especially if I wanted to get 1st place. Taking a breath could make or break a race. I remember some races pushing myself soo hard and being soo tired and wanting desperately to just take a breath. Then I'd look up and see the touch pads and knew I was almost done. I had come the entire length of the pool without taking a breath, I couldn't dare breathe "into the wall" (swimmers lingo for the final 5 meters) I had to "dig deep" and push myself to finish the race! 



I suppose our infertility journey is somewhat like my days as a competitive swimmer. We're gonna have to dig deep! And like swimming, we will feel breathless at times. However unlike swimming, the Lord allows us to call forth the breath of God to bring forth life!! 

I'm thankful for our moment tonight. I'm thankful my husband allowed himself to be vulnerable to the Lord. It let me see into the future. Instead of continuing to dwell in the past 9 months. It taught us a lesson. It taught us that ...It's ok if the ONLY thing we did today was breathe...





Thursday, October 27, 2011

Thoughts of Becoming a mother





Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be just as good a mother.

It will be not because of genetics, 
or money or that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for
the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given
me this insight, this special vision with which I will
look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. 

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. 
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, 
I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.


~Author Unknown

Monday, October 24, 2011

Always on my mind...

Here it is 1 o'clock in the morning, and I'm awake. Soo much on my mind lately. Working on Faith N' Fertility and getting it up and running as a business,  so it's not just a "silly Facebook page" anymore. Amy and I have taken quite the " Leap of Faith", and I just hope and pray that it is everything God wants it to be. We have set such a high standard for what we want FNF to be, but who am I kidding...this is Gods business and He has merely entrusted Amy and I to be the "managers" of it. I just pray that she and I are able to keep up with all God has in store for FNF. Amy and I speak daily (sometimes hourly) on how flabbergasted we are that God has given us this enormous blessing out of our personal suffering. It seems like lately good news knocks at our door quite often, she and I both know its not luck...it's a God thing!! Please help us in praying that FNF is all that God would have it to be. It is our mission to break down the silence of infertility and to be able to help families achieve the dream of having a child.


Also lately I have really been thinking about my "freezer babies" in Missouri. I have some anxiety about them. I'm in Indiana, they are in Missouri. They have been there since February. Are they ok? I play the "what if" game, over and over in my head. This is why I hate infertility. You never get a break from it. Not even at 1:11am! I am sitting here thinking about my "freezer babies", which leads me to thinking of the 3 I have already lost. Which takes me back to February, my last miscarriage. Had I not miscarried I would be 2 weeks away from becoming a mommy! Darn it!


I feel like I am in the same spot as I was in, in March. I know nothing more about my infertility as I did then. Why is that? I worry about that. I need to become more of my own patient advocate. I need to do this for my 4 "freezer babies". A few posts back I said I never wanted to become "that" patient. Well after some thought...and no return phone calls. It appears I will have to. I just feel uneasy about things. I think its time I become more proactive.


I never wanted to be an "older mom". This is not the life I wanted for David and I. I had a friend say to me last week, "We're not getting any younger", and that sure did hit me. I'm 32 years old, my husband is 35. This was not our plan. However, I have faith. Faith is trusting and believing in something that we cannot yet see. I do thank the Lord for my faith. He has blessed me with a very strong faith. I know that I am walking through this "journey" by faith...not by sight. I know my day is coming that He will light my way. I cannot wait for that day!


Thank you all for you love and support through this long, tiresome journey. Many of you are on it yourself. I pray for you all daily. I connect with your pain, I know your fears and anxieties. Remember, there is ALWAYS hope, ALWAYS!


If anyone is reading this who is going through infertility or pregnancy/infant loss and has not connected with us on Facebook, please find us at: Faith N' Fertility Journeys!


I came across this song and it really says how I feel with my journey through infertility.  Enjoy!






Blessings,


Lo

Always on my mind...

Here it is 1 o'clock in the morning, and I'm awake. Soo much on my mind lately. Working on Faith N' Fertility and getting it up and running as a business,  so it's not just a "silly Facebook page" anymore. Amy and I have taken quite the " Leap of Faith", and I just hope and pray that it is everything God wants it to be. We have set such a high standard for what we want FNF to be, but who am I kidding...this is Gods business and He has merely entrusted Amy and I to be the "managers" of it. I just pray that she and I are able to keep up with all God has in store for FNF. Amy and I speak daily (sometimes hourly) on how flabbergasted we are that God has given us this enormous blessing out of our personal suffering. It seems like lately good news knocks at our door quite often, she and I both know its not luck...it's a God thing!! Please help us in praying that FNF is all that God would have it to be. It is our mission to break down the silence of infertility and to be able to help families achieve the dream of having a child.

Also lately I have really been thinking about my "freezer babies" in Missouri. I have some anxiety about them. I'm in Indiana, they are in Missouri. They have been there since February. Are they ok? I play the "what if" game, over and over in my head. This is why I hate infertility. You never get a break from it. Not even at 1:11am! I am sitting here thinking about my "freezer babies", which leads me to thinking of the 3 I have already lost. Which takes me back to February, my last miscarriage. Had I not miscarried I would be 2 weeks away from becoming a mommy! Darn it!

I feel like I am in the same spot as I was in, in March. I know nothing more about my infertility as I did then. Why is that? I worry about that. I need to become more of my own patient advocate. I need to do this for my 4 "freezer babies". A few posts back I said I never wanted to become "that" patient. Well after some thought...and no return phone calls. It appears I will have to. I just feel uneasy about things. I think its time I become more proactive.

I never wanted to be an "older mom". This is not the life I wanted for David and I. I had a friend say to me last week, "We're not getting any younger", and that sure did hit me. I'm 32 years old, my husband is 35. This was not our plan. However, I have faith. Faith is trusting and believing in something that we cannot yet see. I do thank the Lord for my faith. He has blessed me with a very strong faith. I know that I am walking through this "journey" by faith...not by sight. I know my day is coming that He will light my way. I cannot wait for that day!

Thank you all for you love and support through this long, tiresome journey. Many of you are on it yourself. I pray for you all daily. I connect with your pain, I know your fears and anxieties. Remember, there is ALWAYS hope, ALWAYS!

If anyone is reading this who is going through infertility or pregnancy/infant loss and has not connected with us on Facebook, please find us at: Faith N' Fertility Journeys!

Blessings,

Lo



If an

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Call me Martha!!

Hello friends!! I just have to share with you what I made today!! Sometimes all this infertility talk is "oh soo heavy", so today lets talk  CRAFTING! So over this past week I saved a few toilet paper and paper towel rolls and made christmas ornaments!! They were SUPER easy and fun to make! All you do is flatten the tube out, cut them in strips, then glue them together! I used a hot glue gun. Just thought I'd share with y'all, let me know what you think!!!




Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Pause...

These past few weeks/months I have sorta felt like my life is going in slow motion. Like someone pushed the pause button. It seems as though soo much is going on around me, however I am standing still in the middle of it all.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Shameless Plug!!



Hey there!! Using my blog to do a very quick, shameless plug for my husband! 


We have started a blog for David. I have convinced him he is too talented in woodworking for it to go to waste. He is going to be taking orders for wood projects. We will post pictures as he completes them. He always gets people wanting him to make them things so we thought why not start a little hobby business on the side for him!! Feel free to follow his blog and pass it along!! :)  http://whitebarndesigns.blogspot.com

Enjoy!! See, that was quick! LOL!

Blessings, 

Lo

Monday, October 10, 2011

I don't wanna be "THAT" patient!!

I usually am not one to anger easily, however, lately some things have really "tripped my trigger", so to speak. I am just wondering if it this way for everyone. I know medical professionals are very busy people (I know because I am one of them) so TRUST me I can relate to being busy! However, I just don't get why some offices just cannot return a phone call? What is the expectation for a call to be returned nowadays? How can larger offices/providers offices keep that "personal feel"? What do you do if your call is not returned? Call them back? Then if you call them back you risk becoming "THAT" patient! I don't want to be "THAT" patient. I just want to not feel forgotten, I want to feel important. How do you communicate with your physician? Do you find it works?


I would LOVE feedback, and advice on how to not become "THAT" patient, but rather have my calls returned, my questions answered, and my appointments made.


Thanks y'all!!!


Lo

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

What's your Story?

Ya know...I have had this feelings, feelings that I don't so much care for. I am praying my way through these feelings, as I'm quite certain prayer is the only solution. I have been having these feelings like, what am I doing? Who am I? What's my story? I feel like I have no story. I feel boring.

My stats: I am 32 years old, been married almost 7 years. I am a christian. I live in a 2 story farm house with a barn. I have 1 dog. I am a respiratory therapist. I have no (earthly) children.

I know I should focus on what I have, I get that...but I don't. I haven't been. I see all the pictures, and hear all the stories of families playing ball, first day of school, positive pregnancy tests, deliveries, adoptions, dance recitals and vacations. I don't have that. I wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner for dave and I, watch TV, work on the computer, go to bed, repeat. I have no story.

When will I get a story? When will I get to fill up photo albums, go on school field trips, see my baby on an ultrasound, get a plus sign on a pregnancy test? When will I get to plan birthday parties, call my mom grandma, and put a princess bandaid on a skinned knee? When will my story include leaving cookies for Santa, making snow angels in the snow or wiping a runny nose? When can I tell my story? I suppose when I get one...

I know God is working in my life. I feel Him. However, I also know that just when God tries to do something great, thats when the devil raises his evil head. The Devil keeps telling me lies, he makes me feel hopeless. He steals my story.

However, through prayer, God has helped me realize that he is still on the first "chapter" in my story. He has helped me to understand that not every story is the same. Really, if you think about it...how boring would it be to go to the library and it has all the same books and stories? Super boring, right? My story, is not your story. I must admit, sometimes I wish I had a different story. A story of family and children. However, I don't. Not yet, but I know God isn't through writing. He is going for a "best seller". This comforts me, His promise comforts me.


So, I encourage you to ask yourself- What’s your story? Is God still writing your story? What chapter do you think he's on? Can you use your story to be part of the greater story around us? How are we sharing it with the world?

I came across this song and in this song it says; "So what’s your story about God’s glory? How are you letting your life speak to the world?"

Blessings,

Lo










So what's my story...

Ya know...I have had this feelings, feelings that I don't so much care for. I am praying my way through these feelings, as I'm quite certain prayer is the only solution. I have been having these feelings like, what am I doing? Who am I? What's my story? I feel like I have no story. I feel boring.

My stats: I am 32 years old, been married almost 7 years. I am a christian. I live in a 2 story farm house with a barn. I have 1 dog. I am a respiratory therapist. I have no (earthly) children.

I know I should focus on what I have, I get that...but I don't. I haven't been. I see all the pictures, and hear all the stories of families playing ball, first day of school, positive pregnancy tests, deliveries, adoptions, dance recitals and vacations. I don't have that. I wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner for dave and I, watch TV, work on the computer, go to bed, repeat. I have no story.

When will I get a story? When will I get to fill up photo albums, go on school field trips, see my baby on an ultrasound, get a plus sign on a pregnancy test? When will I get to plan birthday parties, call my mom grandma, and put a princess bandaid on a skinned knee? When will my story include leaving cookies for Santa, making snow angels in the snow or wiping a runny nose? When can I tell my story? I suppose when I get one...

I know God is working in my life. I feel Him. However, I also know that just when God tries to do something great, thats when the devil raises his evil head. The Devil keeps telling me lies, he makes me feel hopeless. He steals my story.

However, through prayer, God has helped me realize that he is still on the first "chapter" in my story. He has helped me to understand that not every story is the same. Really, if you think about it...how boring would it be to go to the library and it has all the same books and stories? Super boring, right? My story, is not your story. I must admit, sometimes I wish I had a different story. A story of family and children. However, I don't. Not yet, but I know God isn't through writing. He is going for a "best seller". This comforts me, His promise comforts me.


So, I encourage you to ask yourself- What’s your story?  Is God still writing your story? What chapter do you think he's on? Can you use your story  to be part of the greater story around us?  How are we sharing it with the world? 


I came across this song and in this song it says; "So what’s your story about God’s glory?  How are you letting your life speak to the world?"



Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Today...I felt infertility.

Today, I felt infertility. I mean I REALLY felt it. It has been following me the past few weeks. Babies everywhere, ultrasound pics being uploaded to facebook, baby pictures being pinned on pinterest, adoptions, due dates getting close for pregnant friends, baby showers, baby bump pics, pregnancy announcements, and the final kicker...an adorable birth announcement in my mailbox tonight! Deep down, the core of me is soo happy and over the moon for my friends and acquaintances who are in "baby land", but the right now, THIS week, THIS day, I'm...well, I'm sad...I'm infertile.

Some of you who have experienced infertility and pregnancy loss know what I mean when I say I felt infertility today. Some days are better than others. I deal with it. Ignore it. Pretend it's not happening to me. Today, I couldn't. Today I just want to cry. Which makes it worse. I wish I had a little one to snuggle with. I wish I had someone to look up at me and say.."it will be alright mommy!" Today, I just felt life passing me by. Today I felt like I could leave this earth and no one would miss me. Today I felt hopeless. Today I felt like I don't have a story. Today...I felt infertility.

I just want God to do something major in my life. I want a miracle. When will it be my turn? I have soo many things to be thankful for in my life, however I can only focus on that ONE thing I don't have...a child.

On my way home tonight I prayed, I prayed God would do something big, something REALLY big in my life. Maybe bring someone looking to give their baby up for adoption to me or maybe even conceive naturally...pretty BIG stuff, I know! This I KNOW is true... God loves me, He has this...He gets me. I have FAITH God will do something big. I don't think He knows how to do it any other way!

As I was ending my prayer tonight during my car ride home this song came on. I couldn't help but smile, I knew it was a "God thing"! It was confirmation he knows! He knows when... no one else knows!

Blessings,

Lo




No one knows..http://youtu.be/RCXMK0bR8I0

Today, I felt infertility. I mean I REALLY felt it. It has been following me the past few weeks. Babies everywhere, ultrasound pics being uploaded to facebook, baby pictures being pinned on pinterest, adoptions, due dates getting close for pregnant friends, baby showers, baby bump pics, pregnancy announcements, and the final kicker...an adorable birth announcement in my mailbox tonight! Deep down, the core of me is soo happy and over the moon for my friends and acquaintances who are in "baby land", but the right now, THIS week, THIS day, I'm...well, I'm sad...I'm infertile.

Some of you who have experienced infertility and pregnancy loss know what I mean when I say I felt infertility today. Some days are better than others. I deal with it. Ignore it. Pretend it's not happening to me. Today, I couldn't. Today I just want to cry. Which makes it worse. I wish I had a little one to snuggle with. I wish I had someone to look up at me and say.."it will be alright mommy!" Today, I just felt life passing me by. Today I felt like I could leave this earth and no one would miss me, Today I felt hopeless. Today I felt like I don't have a story. Today, I felt infertility.

I just want God to do something major in my life. I want a miracle. When will it be my turn? I have soo many things to be thankful for in my life, however I can only focus on that ONE thing I don't have...a child.

On my way home tonight i prayed, I prayed God would do something big, something REALLY big in my life. Maybe bring someone looking to give their baby up for adoption to me, conceive naturally, pretty BIG stuff I know! This I KNOW is true... God loves me, He has this...He gets me. I have FAITH God will do something big. I don't think He knows how to do it any other way!

As I was ending my prayer tonight in my car ride home this song came on. I couldn't help but smile, I knew it was a "God thing"! It was confirmation he knows! He knows when... no one knows!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCXMK0bR8I0&feature=related

Blessed beyond measure!

Hello friends and followers!

Wow! Sooo much has been going on in my little world! Especially since the last time I have blogged! So I am gonna just do a quick snippet of a few important things, otherwise this blog post is libel to be 20 pages long!!! So here I go...

Amy and I started a "silly Facebook page" roughly 8 months ago. We started it in hope that it would bring us other friends and supporters who were walking our same journey. We wanted to create this page so while we were in Missouri that we would be able to converse about our IVF cycles with others. We came up with a "catchy" name for it too: Faith N' Fertility!! Well to date our "silly Facebook page" has over 3,150 friends! What?! It has blown both Amy and I away with all the love, support, prayer and fellowship our "silly Facebook page" has brought to others as well as us. She and i both realized about 3-4 months ago what we really had....and what we felt like the Lord was calling us to do. He was calling us to action, He was calling us to start an organization off our "silly Facebook page"! So guess what? WE ARE!!!! Amy and I are feverishly working to expand Faith N' Fertility into something even bigger. To spread hope, awareness, advocacy to those battling infertility and pregnancy loss.

Website- We are working on finalizing our Faith N' Fertility website: www.faithnfertility.org. We currently have a static page up, but are meeting with our web developer today to start to put the finishing touches on things! We are beyond excited!!

OUR LOGO!! See it below this blog posting! Thanks to Vision One 76 for developing our brand, we love it so much and can't wait to "wear it with pride"!

Soooo much more to catch you up on it's unbelievable, so stay tuned!!!

Blessings!

Lo






Wednesday, September 7, 2011

This I know for sure...

Well again time has passed since my last blog, how does time slip away so quickly? In my last blog I spoke about things that God was beginning to reveal to me. I often relate things to an onion, it is such a good representation when

Thursday, May 19, 2011

My worst Day relived...

Well, I wonder if I actually remember how to blog? I haven't blogged since February, while I was in the middle of my IVF cycle. Let me catch everyone up a bit. I know my dear Faith 'N' Fertility friends perhaps knows the outcome, but for any of you that were following just my blog, let me take you back to February.


So in my last blog, we had just gotten to Missouri, and were mid cycle. All seemed to be going so well. In fact my cycle was described as "perfect". I responded correctly to all my meds, there didn't appear to be any fluid accumulating as we thought maybe there would be. My overies filled up with eggs, 41 to be exact. Yes 41. I cannot even begin to describe THAT feeling! Carrying around 41 eggs is quite a task I came to find out! As soon as my follies grew to the point of discomfort, my body sort of "freaked" out. I vomited almost hourly. I could not keep food down. I could not potty without screaming (my ovaries got soo huge they were rubbing my kidneys) I felt like I was on my death bed. I was taking dramamine by the handfuls! I lived on mash potatoes and applesauce. I was very scared, scared that this was not right. It was only natural to compare myself to Amy, and she felt good most days (when I say good, I mean she felt good enough to shower and maybe take a lap around the parking lot. Ha! Ha!) In fact (yes Amy I'm telling the story) one night I was so, so sick and poor Amy had to listen to me day after day, night after night get sick in the hotel bathroom, well this night was the worst. I couldn't pull myself away from the toilet, I vomited so violently I peed my pants, all over myself and our bathroom floor. Amy, without a thought otherwise, went and got me new pants, took my wet ones off, cleaned the floor, dressed me and put me back to bed! WOW! That's a BEST friend!!!


Although I felt like crap, doc said things looked great, and we would trudge through. So we had the egg retrieval (Dave was now down in Missouri, and was ready to make his debut in the cycle), they retrieved 41 Eggs. Of the 41 eggs 25 were mature, and of the 25 fertilized, 6 made it to embryo state. Doc said he hadn't seen such "perfect" embryos in a while. They grade them, and all of mine were A-'s. (They must take after their mommy! LOL!) We discussed and had 2 transfered and froze 4 for later. Boom, it was all over. We returned to Indiana, and the 2 week wait began!


As soon as I got home, it seemed as though "All Hell broke loose", so to speak. Doc had said that I would have a chance of what's called "hyperstimming" because I have PCOS, and made tons of eggs, I was at higher risk for my ovaries to hyper-stimulate, and fluid would collect in my belly. Oh boy did it ever! In a matter of about 3 days I gained over 20 pounds! All in my belly. I looked 8 months pregnant. I stayed in close contact with Dr. S, and he said if my breathing ever felt compromised to get to the nearest ER. It was soo hard because he was in MO, and I soo badly wanted to drive there so he could take care of me! He has experience with high risk IVF cycles. Well, needless to say, I could not return to work, I slept in a lazy boy, and finally it got soo bad, it really started to impend on my breathing. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without getting very short of breath. I called doc, and he said to go to the hospital. So off we went.


I arrived to the hospital, they rushed me right in. I think they thought I was ready to deliver. I sure looked like I was! They ran all sorts of blood tests, did an ultrasound to check my ovaries (which were larger than grapefruits they said) and belly. This entire time I am sooo scared. Not for myself but for my 2 sweet babies that were trying to implant themselves in my belly. I already was a very protective mama! One of the labs came back abnormal the PT. Because I was short of breath, I guess they needed to rule out a P.E. (blood clot in my lung), so they wanted to do an MRI. I refused it. I was not going to subject my babies to that amount of radiation. I am an educated person, who also happens to be a respiratory therapist. In my heart of hearts i knew it wasn't a PE. So I refused. THEN, the radiologists walk in all gowned up and begin to explain that I have A LOT of fluid in my abdomen, and they needed to tap my belly. I couldn't believe this was all happening to me! Why was my body reacting this way? Dr. Simckes told me that he has never had a patient hyper-stim. That only 2-3% of women do. So why the hell did it have to happen to me? I was soo worried how my 2 little ones were, while this "tornato" ripped through my body.          (Below is a picture of how big my belly got from all the fluid!!!)






The next week and a half, I spent in the lazy boy. I longed for a night in my own bed! I couldn't go back to work. So that left me home to worry, and think, and pray, and dream. I did it all!! Then 2 days before I was due to test, the unthinkable happened. My worst nightmare. I began to bleed. The bleeding was abnormal. tissue-like. I immediately called the clinic. Doc said to be on bed rest, and to go take my Beta HCG. That some bleeding could just mean that they were implanting. I sooo prayed that was the case!! I tested, and waited. It seemed like eternity while I waited for the results. Finally I got the call. It was POSITIVE...but a low positive. I was to test in 48 hours to see if my numbers go up.


Over the next 48 hours, I did nothing but plead with God. I stayed up late at night praying, I woke up in the middle of the night and prayed, and first thing in the morning I...you got it...PRAYED! I wanted these babies more than ANYTHING. I wanted to get the chance to be their mommy. To pinch their chubby cheeks and push them on the swing set. I claimed them as mine, and I pleaded to the Lord to not take them!


I went to take the final HCG.  My numbers went down. I was devastated. It shook me to my core. All I could do was cling to my husband and cry. We cried for days. We went through every emotion. Disbelief, anger, rage, sorrow, we felt them all. We couldn't believe we had gone through this to end up with loss. Over the next passing days and weeks I got pretty upset with God, I must admit. I just didn't understand. Why were all my friends getting pregnant, but I couldn't? Why did I have to suffer the way I did for Him to take them in the end? I couldn't understand...but now I do. I understand now. (My next blog I will tell you what I know. God has revealed soo much to me!)


I want to keep up with blogging. I think I have a story to tell. It may not have a happy ending...yet, but if I can encourage 1 person who reads this, then I have succeeded in what I set out to do. Thank you all for being soo patient and soo supportive to me during my journey to motherhood! Blessings to you all!


Logan

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Room 110

Ok, so We're FINALLY here in Missouri!! I can't believe it! Amy and I left Indiana on Sunday around noon and it took us a little over 5 hours to get here. The car ride actually went fast this time. We were kind of nervous how we would do. It was the first trip that our darling husbands weren't the ones behind the wheel. It was just us girls. Dave's last words to me were "just get on 69 south, and follow your GPS..." so after Amy and I said our goodbyes and took off, you can imagine my embarrassment as I realized I was heading NORTH on 69. Needless to say, I haven't mentioned this to Dave. Amy and I made it about 45 minutes down the road before our bellies were telling us they were hungry. Just a side note...these infertility meds seriously make me want to devour everything I can get my hands on. Most every ivf women I have spoken with agrees. We have bottomless pits. So, Amy and I decided since we were hungry we would stop at McDonalds, grab some drive thru, and keep truckin down the road. As Amy and I were unwrapping all of our food and began munching on our McDonalds, Amy grabbed her Coke and somehow the styrofoam cup got a huge puncture hole in the side of it. Coke was pouring out of the cup like a garden hose. We instantly starting playing "Hot Potato" with the oversized cup. Amy passed it to me, then me back to her, then her to me...I was desperate at this point and heaved it out my window, while traveling down I-69. I hate littering, but this was an emergency!
During our car ride Amy read aloud the "Multiple Blessings" By Kate Gosslin, how fitting, as we are both secretly hoping for twins. It helped to pass the time along. We jammed out to some of my WOW worship CD's, this got us pretty pumped up. Kinda neat to have 2 wanna be mama's singing their guts out for the Lord while cruising down the highway!
So we arrived in MO around 5pm and were escorted to our room, Room 110. They obliged us our request for the largest room available during our last visit. So we were excited to see what Room 110 had to offer, as it was going to be our "Home" for the next 2 weeks. To our dismay Room 110, was a HOT mess!!! Upon entrance into the room, I was slapped in the face with a smell that resembled Daves sweaty gym bag. The old carpet had holes, as did both comforters, The laminate was ripped away from the kitchen counter tops. Needless to say, this was not going to work. We decided that room 110 just wasn't going to cut it. Amy, bless her heart, tried to comfort me by saying there are children that sleep on dirt floors. In the end, she caved too, and we quickly returned Room 110's key to the check in clerk. We told him we were willing to give up "space" for "luxury & esthetics". They were quick to oblige us and put us in a much nicer room. Its only problem was the smell. Thank God for room spray and Bath and Body works candles!!!
So Amy and I unpacked all of our things in our new "Fancy" room and crashed, as the next day, Monday was our first appointment with Dr. S.
Monday arrived and we were soo excited to see how our bodys were responding to the medications that we have been on. When we arrived at Fertility Partnership, we were greeted by Dr. Simckes with a great big bear hug. He's a hugger! Amy and I decided since our hubby's weren't here this week that we would go into each others appointments. I was up first, Dr. Simckes came in. He was bright eyed and bushy tailed (as always), this is always soo encouraging to me. so he came into the room, big hugs again, and then down to business. Started my ultrasound, and he said he was very pleased with my progress. My follies were responding to the medication. I had at least 10 on each side, he said this was great!! He kept my medication the same, and he'd see me on Wednesday. Next up was Amy, she also got a good report. (follow her journey at 7inarow.blogspot.com)
Soo sleepy tonight, catch ya all up on the rest of our happenings tomorrow!

Love and baby dust,
Lo

Thursday, February 10, 2011

What God Meant...

What God Meant
Author Unknown

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. 

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for fertility. 

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. 

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."