Monday, October 24, 2011

Always on my mind...

Here it is 1 o'clock in the morning, and I'm awake. Soo much on my mind lately. Working on Faith N' Fertility and getting it up and running as a business,  so it's not just a "silly Facebook page" anymore. Amy and I have taken quite the " Leap of Faith", and I just hope and pray that it is everything God wants it to be. We have set such a high standard for what we want FNF to be, but who am I kidding...this is Gods business and He has merely entrusted Amy and I to be the "managers" of it. I just pray that she and I are able to keep up with all God has in store for FNF. Amy and I speak daily (sometimes hourly) on how flabbergasted we are that God has given us this enormous blessing out of our personal suffering. It seems like lately good news knocks at our door quite often, she and I both know its not's a God thing!! Please help us in praying that FNF is all that God would have it to be. It is our mission to break down the silence of infertility and to be able to help families achieve the dream of having a child.

Also lately I have really been thinking about my "freezer babies" in Missouri. I have some anxiety about them. I'm in Indiana, they are in Missouri. They have been there since February. Are they ok? I play the "what if" game, over and over in my head. This is why I hate infertility. You never get a break from it. Not even at 1:11am! I am sitting here thinking about my "freezer babies", which leads me to thinking of the 3 I have already lost. Which takes me back to February, my last miscarriage. Had I not miscarried I would be 2 weeks away from becoming a mommy! Darn it!

I feel like I am in the same spot as I was in, in March. I know nothing more about my infertility as I did then. Why is that? I worry about that. I need to become more of my own patient advocate. I need to do this for my 4 "freezer babies". A few posts back I said I never wanted to become "that" patient. Well after some thought...and no return phone calls. It appears I will have to. I just feel uneasy about things. I think its time I become more proactive.

I never wanted to be an "older mom". This is not the life I wanted for David and I. I had a friend say to me last week, "We're not getting any younger", and that sure did hit me. I'm 32 years old, my husband is 35. This was not our plan. However, I have faith. Faith is trusting and believing in something that we cannot yet see. I do thank the Lord for my faith. He has blessed me with a very strong faith. I know that I am walking through this "journey" by faith...not by sight. I know my day is coming that He will light my way. I cannot wait for that day!

Thank you all for you love and support through this long, tiresome journey. Many of you are on it yourself. I pray for you all daily. I connect with your pain, I know your fears and anxieties. Remember, there is ALWAYS hope, ALWAYS!

If anyone is reading this who is going through infertility or pregnancy/infant loss and has not connected with us on Facebook, please find us at: Faith N' Fertility Journeys!

I came across this song and it really says how I feel with my journey through infertility.  Enjoy!



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