Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Well Monday finally arrived. The long awaited surgery is finally over. My nerves were starting to get the best of me, so I am glad [][

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Well tomorrow is the big day of the scheduled D and C for me. It kind of blows my mind that they have to put you to sleep to do this. I guess since I'm kind of a baby when it comes to pain, its for the best!! Today I'm to eat a light diet, and I had to stop taking my baby aspirin and my vitamins. She said the vitamins that had omega 3's thin my blood, so I should hold off taking those.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Best Fertility Blog

Best Fertility Blog

Please click on "Best fertility Blog" and vote!!
The name of my blog is: String of Faith
Please vote!! Thanks soo much!!!

24 Days...

Ok, let me say first of all that in my first blog I said that it was my every intention to "just spill it" on here. This was my journal through infertility, and all that goes with it. So PLEASE let that serve as my disclaimer! Those of you with weak stomachs may not want to continue.
I was diagnosed with PCOS many years ago. Don't remember the exact year, and the date's not important. I do know it was somewhere around 2000. Here's a short lesson on what PCOS is:

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOSis one of the most common female endocrine disorders affecting approximately 5%-10of women of reproductive age (12–45 years oldand is thought to be one of the leading causes of female infertility. PCOS is a condition where many small cysts form on the ovary causing an hormonal imbalance which may lead to the need for fertility treatment to conceive.In women with PCOS, the ovary doesn't make all of the hormones it needs for an egg to fully mature. The follicles may start to grow and build up fluid but ovulation does not occur. Instead, some follicles may remain as cysts. For these reasons, ovulation does not occur and the hormone progesterone is not made. Without progesterone, a woman's menstrual cycle is irregular or absent. Plus, the ovaries make male hormones, which also prevent ovulation.

As long as I can remember I have had cysts on my ovaries, but have been blessed that I have never had to have surgery because of a rupture of a cyst. I know many women that have PCOS struggle with cysts rupturing, and I can only imagine how painful this is. My main issue, or how PCOS has effected me is my menstrual cycles. They come and go as they please basically, with no regard to me. I always think how wonderful it would be to know when my period was going to come. I envy the "28 dayers"! I may have a 2 week period every 4 months, or a day of spotting a month, who knows. Its so sporadic! I'm always afraid to wear anything white, as I may get my surprise visitor! 
As I have talked about in my previous blogs, David and I went to our first visit with our new infertility Dr on October 16th. Of course, my uninvited visitor decided to come the dabefore. So I started my period on October 15th. Guess what? I'm STILL on it!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!! 24 LONG days. I am so drained! Maybe even literally, of blood!! I had labs drawn (P4 and E2) and my labs just say I'm on my menses. I'm thinking maybe I should contact the Guinness Book of World records for the longest menstrual cycle in history!! My doctor has kept in touch with me. I love how they make me feel as I'm their only patient! Doc says I have to have surgery to remove the polyp this week. So hopefully that will help, and the bleeding will stop! Kind of nervous about surgery. I've only been "put out"/ on a vent 1 other time to get my galbladder removed. I'm sure I will be fine.
During these 24 days of bleeding my energy level has been non existent! I literally have zero energy to do anything. I'm sure my iron levels are slightly low. My lower back is sooo achy and I look like a 15 year old with acne all over my chin area! Woof! 
I know this blog is a boring one, it's taking all I have to just type it out. I just haven't blogged for over a week, and felt that I should. If you read this, please, I ask for prayers. Prayers for healing, and my surgery next monday. I love ya'll. I promise I will try to be more entertaining on my next blog!!  Until then...

Love and Baby dust,

Friday, October 29, 2010

I didn't know.. (Part 1)

Today changes everything. My fingers tremble as I begin to write this, tears well up in my eyes to the point I can't see the computer screen. Then one by one the tears stream down my cheeks, and then onto my chest. And this lump in my throat is making it hard to breathe...
Let me take you back to the summer of 2007. David and I had been married almost 3 years. We had been trying on and off to start our family. We tried clomid, basal body temperature charts, and ovulation predictor kits. Month after month the pregnancy tests came out negative. At this point we had not yet been referred to a reproductive specialist, however David had been referred to a urologist and he underwent a semen analysis and an exam. So we knew getting pregnant on our own may be hard, but not impossible. 
I remember soo clearly the day, it was a Friday. I had the afternoon off work and was home. I thought what the heck. I will take a pregnancy test, just to make sure. Having PCOS, my periods are soo irregular, so the 28 day cycle stuff never applies to me really. I would take a pregnancy test almost every 30 days to just "check". They were always negative, always. Until this Friday. I pottied on the stick, and like every other time I watched it. I watched the urine gently slide across the clear window. First the control window, then the test window. There was the first blue line. Your heart always picks up the pace once you start seeing the urine begin its way in the test window. Hoping that one, just one time you would see a +. This Friday, yes, this Friday I did!! I starred at it for what seemed like forever, I think I may have even wiped my eyes, as to make sure there wasn't a speck of dust in my eye resulting in the +. It was true! It showed a +. I remember talking to my dog, telling her the good news first. I remember weeping, thanking God for this blessing. I remember pacing around my house, trying to figure out what I should do, who should I call? Was this even real? 
Once I regained composure I ran outside to find David. He needed to know! I wanted to celebrate this moment with him. I brought the stick with me, I knew he wouldn't believe it either. "Sweetie, you're gonna be a daddy!" I said.  My husband isn't a very emotional man. He looked at me, and he looked as though he had no words. His eyes wide open, he smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen on his face. The kind of smile a 15 year old boy smiles after he hits the winning home run for his team. David said "Really, really? That's soo great" "Are you sure? How do you know?" I extended my arm, and flashed the + test stick in front of him. "It's positive" I exclaimed. I remember hugging and just feeling like a small little family. We did it. We were on our way to living our dream of being parents. I went back inside and called my doctor. She said to come in to get my first ultrasound in 6 weeks. I made my appointment and marked it in my calendar. I clearly remember writing it in my calendar. It was the most important thing that I had ever written in it. I was soo proud. I couldn't wait to meet our sweetie. 6 weeks seemed forever away.
David and I discussed whether or not to tell anyone. He and I both have such a hard time at Christmas and holidays. We always end up opening birthday, anniversary and Christmas presents to each other way before it's time. This news of our special miracle seemed like the biggest, best present. How were we going to keep it to ourselves? We didn't, we couldn't! We decided to only tell family and close friends. I always dreamed of the day of telling our parents that they were going to be grandparents. We wouldn't, couldn't just TELL them. No, it had to be special. So I went out and bought diapers and bibs. The diapers would be for Dave's parents and the bibs for mine. I recall soo crystal clear the days we told our parents. First Davids parents. They live right across the road so we walked over with the diapers in tote. Dian, my mother in law is a Master gardener. The summer before she had just started using the inside parts of diapers in the bottom of her flower pots. They help absorb and hold water. So we sat there for a while and I kind of just casually handed Dian the diapers and said "here you may want these". She is soo sweet and said "oh thank you, I was going to go to the store to buy some more for my pots" I started laughing and said, "no, you may want to hold on to them, you're going to need them in 9 months" She said"what?" she REALLY didn't understand. However Dick, my father in law did. He smiled soo big and said "They're having a baby mom!" They cheered and gave their congrats. We didn't stay long as I couldn't wait to tell my parents the news. David and I loaded up in his truck and drove over to my parents house where we presented my parents each a gift bag. I made them open them at the same time. As they opened them my mom pulled out her bib that read "I love my grandma" and screamed. My dad smiled and read his "I love you grandpa" They said it was the happiest day of their lives. It was such a special time. We were all soo soo happy. I realized, when we told people it felt like opening the best christmas present over and over again. It warmed my heart and I felt like the proudest mama ever!
The weeks went on, we were all were soo elated! We told a handful of our friends. I of course could not stay away from the baby stuff! I bought boy clothes and girl clothes. It was soo fun. The most fun I've ever had. The feeling of always having someone with me felt remarkable. I always had someone to talk to. My little sweet pea! David and I bought a names book and had started highlighting baby names. We became very anxious for our 6 week appointment. We couldn't wait to meet the life we had made.
The day finally arrived. It was a Monday. I remember the nurse calling me back. I was a ball of emotion. Happy, nervous, excited but mostly in love. In love with the miracle which was inside me, and in love with my husband for being the man that God created him to be for me. The nurse took us inside the ultrasound room. I was going to have a vaginal ultrasound. The ultrasound tech came in, pulled up her stool and began the ultrasound. I remember making small talk with her. She moved the ultrasound probe all around, from one side of my uterus to the other. She clicked the mouse on her machine, as to save the image. At this point I didn't sense anything was wrong. I am an eternal optimist. Nothing could ever go wrong with my baby...or could it? The ultrasound tech said that she couldn't find our little peanut. She said they were too small. She said that happens often. Maybe I wasn't as far along as we had thought. She never said anything that made me worry. We were then moved into the exam room and told the doctor would be in to do my exam. 
The doctor came in and did my pelvic exam. She said my cervix/uterus felt like I was 7 weeks. She cleaned up, washed her hands and sat down. She had a serious look that had fallen on her face. I felt a heat rush through my body. I tried to prepare myself for what she was going to say. She cleared her throat and folded her hands. "Honey" she said. "There isn't a baby in there" "there never was, you had what's called a blighted ovum" "there was a sack but no baby" "I'm sorry, she said" I remember looking at David and just closing my eyes. David came up to me and put his hot, clammy hand on my forehead. I  just wanted to leave. How could this be? The doctor answered a few questions I managed to get out between sobs. "So i never was pregnant?" "No sweetie, it was just the sack, no baby, but the sack puts out the pregnancy hormone so it sort of tricks your body." she said.We gathered our things and left. This was not the ending I had anticipated. I hated walking back through the waiting room. All the visibly pregnant belly's. I wanted to scream at all of them. Who was I becoming? I felt the rage set in. Why? Why? Why? I wanted to know why? I felt soo ashamed. Not that I would ever want my baby to have sacrificed his or her life to make me feel as though I had a story, but now I had NOTHING, no baby, no story, no miscarriage, just an empty sack. What was I supposed to tell people? I felt like a fraud. A lier. I was never pregnant. I could never get that experience back of telling my husband, of telling my parents, of scheduling my first appointment. This empty sack stole it from me.
For the past 3 years, the desire to be a mommy has intensified. I loved the "feeling" I had those short 6 weeks in 2007, when I thought I "was" pregnant. It was soo hard to "un-tell" everyone. I did, I felt like a  thief that had to return stolen items. Everyone was very kind. I heard a lot of "at least you weren't actually pregnant" "You didn't actually loose a baby then, that's good". Well it didn't feel good.  It felt horrible. Part of me wished there were a baby in there so that I wouldn't have felt this way, so empty and much less a woman. This made me sick wishing it. It was a nasty cycle of endless pain. 
Since 2007, if anyone asked if I had ever been pregnant I would say "no". This I believed was the truth. My doctor told me it was "just a sack, not a baby" Nothing lead me to research a blighted ovum. I believed and trusted my doctor. Nothing until tonight that is. I was thinking of topics to place on my blog. I want to educate and arm women with knowledge about infertility. I wanted to correctly explain "an empty sack" to them. I googled "Blighted ovum" and started reading. 

"A blighted ovum is a common type of miscarriage. It happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but the resulting embryo either stops developing very early or doesn't form at all. Nowadays, the term "blighted ovum" is considered out of date. Instead, most medical professionals use the term "early pregnancy failure" to describe this situation.

With an early pregnancy failure, you'll get a positive result on a 
pregnancy test, because the placenta begins to develop anyway and starts to secrete human chorionic gonadtrophin (hCG), the hormone that these tests look for. Early on, you may also have some of the symptoms common in a normal pregnancy, such as fatigue, nausea, and sore breasts. Later, when the hormone levels begin to go down, these symptoms will subside and you're likely to have spotting or bleeding.

The most common (and hurtful) misconception is that there never was a baby. There was an embryo. There is no way to know how much of the baby formed and when the baby was absorbed. Some complaints women have are that people actually suggest to them that their body was confused and that their little one only existed in their mind. The body has reacted to the existance of a fertilized egg, the mother was absolutely pregnant--however brief--there was a pregnancy."

I feel robbed. Robbed of the grieving process, robbed of my motherhood. Robbed of special mommy time with my angel in Heaven. I feel sick, I feel like I have abandoned my child. I feel like they have been waiting on their mommy and I never came. I feel like this was all a sick joke. Why was I misinformed? Why was I told it was "Just a sack"? It was not just a sack. It was our baby! My baby! 
Tonight as my fingers tremble typing this blog, and tears well up in my eyes. I have experienced every emotion a mother could experience when they loose a child. Never, ever in my life would I leave my child, or disregard their life. A life begins at conception. I had a child growing inside of me. No matter how big or small. A life. My child's life. A life I didn't know existed the past 3 years. I was just misinformed. I didn't know....but now...now I do...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

"Just a mommy"...

My mom just recently found this little book from when I was in the 1st grade. 
My mom said when anyone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always say "Just a mommy!" She wrote that under my "art" so I would remember.

"Just a mommy". Even in the 1st grade I had no question of what I wanted to be when I grew up, a mommy. Little did I know in the second grade, that even at 31, my deepest desire in life would be the same, to be "Just a mommy". I can remember being a little girl. I was always a "girlie girl", those of you that know me know things haven't changed! I loved dresses and lace and pink, but most importantly I loved babies. I loved babies of any kind, real ones, fake ones, big ones, and tiny ones. I can always remember wanting to hold and feed babies, and again, those of you that know me know that nothing has changed. 

I know God has a plan, I know he wants for me to be "Just a mommy" some day. I hope I am close to that time, I believe I am. I long for the day that my baby looks up with their big brown eyes and says "I love you mommy".  Until that day, I will wait. Wait on the Lord, for His timing is perfect...

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Darling Husband...

A few blogs ago I listed all of the medication I was on. 13 pills. One of the small sacrifice's I'm willing to make if it helps me to become a mommy. However, in that blog, somehow, I forgot to list my darling husbands sacrifices that he has to make as well. You see, infertility isn't always one sided. As in me and David 's case. So under the recommendation of Dr. Simckes David is on:
1. Fertility Blend (male fertility supplement/vitamin) (3 pills)
2. Baby aspirin ( to help with reproductive blood flow) (1pill)
3. CoQ10 (another supplement) (1pill)
4. Vitamin C (another supplement)  (2 chewable tabs)

So all together 7 pills/tabs David is taking. It was soo funny, When David and I went to the pharmacy to pick up the baby aspirin and a few other things, my eyes were drawn to the pill dividers, 2 big ones with the usual Sunday- Saturday written on each corresponding divider section. He looked at me, and I at him. We both kind of chuckled. He went to reach for a pretty blue one, I looked at him and shook my head and redirected his hand to the larger one I had my eye on. Things "clicked" and David realized the pills he was going to have to take, were too many to fit in the pretty blue box he had originally chosen.

The doctor also told David and I both no alcohol (limited to 1 drink a day, or 2 every other day), and no tobacco. He said that he had found that tobacco of any kind makes the embryos (babies) look rough under the microscope. He also said alcohol was like toxic poison to sperm specifically.
David likes to have a few beers in the evening while he is down working on our new home that he is trying to get ready for us. His friends stop by, they have a few beers together, and shoot the breeze. To some this may not seem like a huge sacrifice. To David it is. David also chews, chewing tobacco (yucky, I know).  However, he has agreed to limit himself to 1 beer a day, and we are going to "wean" him off of the chewing tobacco. We are going to start mixing it with herbal chewing "tobacco". They sell "fake" chewing tobacco. We're gonna give it a whirl for him. David likes the taste of beer, so I suggested that he just get non-alcoholic, maybe trick the mind a little. He can still shoot the breeze, just with a NA instead!  He actually liked this idea. My prayer is that his friends will be supportive of him. Why would they not?
The doctor said it takes 3 whole months of being "clean" for him to see the results in the sperm. So if our IVF is the first part of February. Let the 3 month "clean" countdown begin!!! Whatever it takes!! What a good Daddy he is already! I love him more and more everyday! My sweet, sweet David, I love you!!

Healthy bodies and baby dust,


Friday, October 22, 2010

We're on Facebook!!

Hello friends!! Please join us on Facebook! We are Faith 'N' Fertility. Please friend request us! Hope to see ya there!!!

My cry...

Today started off for me, with a big 'ole cry! Sometimes a cry is in order. Apparently this morning it indeed was. This morning's cry, however, was different. It was a cry of of joy, of peace, of acceptance, of anticipation, thankfulness and praise....all rolled into a big fat bawl session. I literally have felt like an erupted volcano these past few days. Six years of trying to conceive, and this is it, we're here! Well, almost. All the time, money, tears and anticipation are all coming to a head. Such a time of preparation. The last few days my emotions have exploded, and all the hot, red, lava bursting out of my volcano is the love and support of my friends and family. I feel the love just consuming me.  It warms my soul. To all of you, I am forever grateful...

Love and baby dust,

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Whatever it takes...

Whew! Today I finally picked up the last bunch of my new medication that the doctor started me on. All of them make perfect sense to be on, but it seems like such a task. Let me give you the run down:

1. Metformin (helps shrink my cysts on my ovaries) (3pills)
2. Prometrium (helps induce a menstrual cycle) (2 pills)
3. Folgard (Folic acid, B6, B12) (1 pill)
4. Synthroid (hypothyroid med) (1 pill)
5. PR Natal (Prenatal vitamin) (2 pills)
6. Fertility Blend (Fertility vitamin) (1 pill)
7. Baby Aspirin (help reproductive blood flow) (1 pill)
8. Diet pill (to help me get a little weight off before IVF) (1 pill)
9. Ortho- Novum (Birth control pill- I know seems strange! But its to get me regular and so I can shed the lining of my uterus each month) (1 pill)

So...13 pills a day!! There is just something about having to literally swallow 13 pills. If you asked me 10 years ago what I thought of someone that needed 13 pills a day, I probably would have told you that they must be 102 and on their death bed. I, however can assure you, I am no where near death! I'm very much full of life! My body just isn't working right. I soo wish it were. Never in my life would I EVER wish infertility on even my worst enemy.  At this point my body has been so poked and prodded at, that there really isn't any modesty left. Or maybe there is, but at this point soo many doctors have seen my "uterus" (for lack of better words) that I just don't care. From the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram - this was super painful!) to vaginal ultrasounds (so many of them I've lost count) to lab draws to cervical exams and biopsies to injections in my bum and injections in my belly. Oh and how can I forget! 4 IUI's (Intra Uterine Insemination). And...don't even get me started on how many ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests I've done!! Let's just put it this way...I have kept e.p.t. in business for the last 6 years!!! Seriously!!! Last but not least, my darling husband, David. The poor man, bless his heart! He has had to... uh hum..."hand over his soldiers" (again...for lack of better words) to the lab...oh... about 10 times!! That's a whole blog in itself. I'll save it for a day that I need a good laugh. You will laugh too! How can you not?! If you don't laugh, you'll cry! That's the attitude I try to have most of the time!

So down the hatch these 13 pills go...my body will be strong, it will be mighty and it will be a perfect "home" for my sweetie! I can't wait!! I would take 13,000 pills if I had to, to get me my sweet angel in the end!! I bet all you mothers would agree. Would you not do anything and everything for your blessings? Of course you would! 

Blessings to all, and baby dust,

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Cloud 9!!!

Boy oh Boy!!! You know that feeling I said I had 2 blogs ago? The feeling of being a 9 year old on Christmas eve? I STILL have it!! Ok, so last weekend Amy and I went to Missouri to meet with the new doctor we decided IVF...HERE WE COME. Since then, that's all I can think about!! IVF, IVF, IVF...baby, baby, BABIES!! LOL!! Just for the record, I gratefully welcome twins! The road of infertility has been a long, hard battle...up until now! I am on stinking cloud 9!!! Like an IVF high almost!! 

Since Amy and I have been back home from Missouri both of our minds have been on overdrive! We both understood that our paths crossed 2 years ago for some reason, we just didn't know why at the time. Our friendship is comparable to an onion perhaps. A pretty Vildalia onion of course, month by month the Lord revealed, or "peeled" back a layer for us. With each layer, getting closer to the "meat" of the onion. This month, this week, right now I feel like the Lord has finally revealed the nice shiney first layer of the onion. Things are coming together! Plans are being revealed! 

Amy and I started these blogs not a week ago, and soo many people are emailing, commenting, and following our blogs. We also started a Facebook page together (Faith 'N' Fertility) and within 48 hours we had over 400 friends!! Facebook themselves emailed us to tell us that they couldn't believe how many friends were requesting us, and they were gonna freeze our ability to friend request anyone for 2 whole days! What?! THIS is our now, THIS is our time, THIS is our calling, I truly believe that it is!! Nothing makes me smile more than to open a message from our facebook page or see 10 more friends joined our blog, or Facebook page. My prayer and hope is that by having the blog and the Facebook page that I can use them both as a platform to spread awareness and offer support!

So a HUGE thank you to everyone that reads this! You are truly a blessing to me! With your love and support I'm just gonna stay up here on my cloud 9 and chill for a while!!

Much love and baby dust,