Thoughts of Becoming a mother

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be just as good a mother.

It will be not because of genetics, 
or money or that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain
their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and
discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for
the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night
to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,
hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take
another temperature, pop another pill, take another
shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be
crying for me.

I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has given
me this insight, this special vision with which I will
look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless
with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my
own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell many
never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. 

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from
their pain in order to save myself discomfort. 
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, 
I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of
another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that
moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and
when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion
that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.


~Author Unknown

Today...I felt infertility.

Today, I felt infertility. I mean I REALLY felt it. It has been following me the past few weeks. Babies everywhere, ultrasound pics being uploaded to facebook, baby pictures being pinned on pinterest, adoptions, due dates getting close for pregnant friends, baby showers, baby bump pics, pregnancy announcements, and the final kicker...an adorable birth announcement in my mailbox tonight! Deep down, the core of me is soo happy and over the moon for my friends and acquaintances who are in "baby land", but the right now, THIS week, THIS day, I'm...well, I'm sad...I'm infertile.

Some of you who have experienced infertility and pregnancy loss know what I mean when I say I felt infertility today. Some days are better than others. I deal with it. Ignore it. Pretend it's not happening to me. Today, I couldn't. Today I just want to cry. Which makes it worse. I wish I had a little one to snuggle with. I wish I had someone to look up at me and say.."it will be alright mommy!" Today, I just felt life passing me by. Today I felt like I could leave this earth and no one would miss me. Today I felt hopeless. Today I felt like I don't have a story. Today...I felt infertility.

I just want God to do something major in my life. I want a miracle. When will it be my turn? I have soo many things to be thankful for in my life, however I can only focus on that ONE thing I don't have...a child.

On my way home tonight I prayed, I prayed God would do something big, something REALLY big in my life. Maybe bring someone looking to give their baby up for adoption to me or maybe even conceive naturally...pretty BIG stuff, I know! This I KNOW is true... God loves me, He has this...He gets me. I have FAITH God will do something big. I don't think He knows how to do it any other way!

As I was ending my prayer tonight during my car ride home this song came on. I couldn't help but smile, I knew it was a "God thing"! It was confirmation he knows! He knows when... no one else knows!

Blessings,

Lo

My worst Day relived...

Well, I wonder if I actually remember how to blog? I haven't blogged since February, while I was in the middle of my IVF cycle. Let me catch everyone up a bit. I know my dear Faith 'N' Fertility friends perhaps knows the outcome, but for any of you that were following just my blog, let me take you back to February.


So in my last blog, we had just gotten to Missouri, and were mid cycle. All seemed to be going so well. In fact my cycle was described as "perfect". I responded correctly to all my meds, there didn't appear to be any fluid accumulating as we thought maybe there would be. My overies filled up with eggs, 41 to be exact. Yes 41. I cannot even begin to describe THAT feeling! Carrying around 41 eggs is quite a task I came to find out! As soon as my follies grew to the point of discomfort, my body sort of "freaked" out. I vomited almost hourly. I could not keep food down. I could not potty without screaming (my ovaries got soo huge they were rubbing my kidneys) I felt like I was on my death bed. I was taking dramamine by the handfuls! I lived on mash potatoes and applesauce. I was very scared, scared that this was not right. It was only natural to compare myself to Amy, and she felt good most days (when I say good, I mean she felt good enough to shower and maybe take a lap around the parking lot. Ha! Ha!) In fact (yes Amy I'm telling the story) one night I was so, so sick and poor Amy had to listen to me day after day, night after night get sick in the hotel bathroom, well this night was the worst. I couldn't pull myself away from the toilet, I vomited so violently I peed my pants, all over myself and our bathroom floor. Amy, without a thought otherwise, went and got me new pants, took my wet ones off, cleaned the floor, dressed me and put me back to bed! WOW! That's a BEST friend!!!


Although I felt like crap, doc said things looked great, and we would trudge through. So we had the egg retrieval (Dave was now down in Missouri, and was ready to make his debut in the cycle), they retrieved 41 Eggs. Of the 41 eggs 25 were mature, and of the 25 fertilized, 6 made it to embryo state. Doc said he hadn't seen such "perfect" embryos in a while. They grade them, and all of mine were A-'s. (They must take after their mommy! LOL!) We discussed and had 2 transfered and froze 4 for later. Boom, it was all over. We returned to Indiana, and the 2 week wait began!


As soon as I got home, it seemed as though "All Hell broke loose", so to speak. Doc had said that I would have a chance of what's called "hyperstimming" because I have PCOS, and made tons of eggs, I was at higher risk for my ovaries to hyper-stimulate, and fluid would collect in my belly. Oh boy did it ever! In a matter of about 3 days I gained over 20 pounds! All in my belly. I looked 8 months pregnant. I stayed in close contact with Dr. S, and he said if my breathing ever felt compromised to get to the nearest ER. It was soo hard because he was in MO, and I soo badly wanted to drive there so he could take care of me! He has experience with high risk IVF cycles. Well, needless to say, I could not return to work, I slept in a lazy boy, and finally it got soo bad, it really started to impend on my breathing. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without getting very short of breath. I called doc, and he said to go to the hospital. So off we went.


I arrived to the hospital, they rushed me right in. I think they thought I was ready to deliver. I sure looked like I was! They ran all sorts of blood tests, did an ultrasound to check my ovaries (which were larger than grapefruits they said) and belly. This entire time I am sooo scared. Not for myself but for my 2 sweet babies that were trying to implant themselves in my belly. I already was a very protective mama! One of the labs came back abnormal the PT. Because I was short of breath, I guess they needed to rule out a P.E. (blood clot in my lung), so they wanted to do an MRI. I refused it. I was not going to subject my babies to that amount of radiation. I am an educated person, who also happens to be a respiratory therapist. In my heart of hearts i knew it wasn't a PE. So I refused. THEN, the radiologists walk in all gowned up and begin to explain that I have A LOT of fluid in my abdomen, and they needed to tap my belly. I couldn't believe this was all happening to me! Why was my body reacting this way? Dr. Simckes told me that he has never had a patient hyper-stim. That only 2-3% of women do. So why the hell did it have to happen to me? I was soo worried how my 2 little ones were, while this "tornato" ripped through my body.          (Below is a picture of how big my belly got from all the fluid!!!)

The next week and a half, I spent in the lazy boy. I longed for a night in my own bed! I couldn't go back to work. So that left me home to worry, and think, and pray, and dream. I did it all!! Then 2 days before I was due to test, the unthinkable happened. My worst nightmare. I began to bleed. The bleeding was abnormal. tissue-like. I immediately called the clinic. Doc said to be on bed rest, and to go take my Beta HCG. That some bleeding could just mean that they were implanting. I sooo prayed that was the case!! I tested, and waited. It seemed like eternity while I waited for the results. Finally I got the call. It was POSITIVE...but a low positive. I was to test in 48 hours to see if my numbers go up.


Over the next 48 hours, I did nothing but plead with God. I stayed up late at night praying, I woke up in the middle of the night and prayed, and first thing in the morning I...you got it...PRAYED! I wanted these babies more than ANYTHING. I wanted to get the chance to be their mommy. To pinch their chubby cheeks and push them on the swing set. I claimed them as mine, and I pleaded to the Lord to not take them!


I went to take the final HCG.  My numbers went down. I was devastated. It shook me to my core. All I could do was cling to my husband and cry. We cried for days. We went through every emotion. Disbelief, anger, rage, sorrow, we felt them all. We couldn't believe we had gone through this to end up with loss. Over the next passing days and weeks I got pretty upset with God, I must admit. I just didn't understand. Why were all my friends getting pregnant, but I couldn't? Why did I have to suffer the way I did for Him to take them in the end? I couldn't understand...but now I do. I understand now. (My next blog I will tell you what I know. God has revealed soo much to me!)


I want to keep up with blogging. I think I have a story to tell. It may not have a happy ending...yet, but if I can encourage 1 person who reads this, then I have succeeded in what I set out to do. Thank you all for being soo patient and soo supportive to me during my journey to motherhood! Blessings to you all!


Logan

"Just a mommy"...

My mom just recently found this little book from when I was in the 1st grade. 

My mom said when anyone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always say "Just a mommy!" She wrote that under my "art" so I would remember.

"Just a mommy". Even in the 1st grade I had no question of what I wanted to be when I grew up, a mommy. Little did I know in the second grade, that even at 31, my deepest desire in life would be the same, to be "Just a mommy". I can remember being a little girl. I was always a "girlie girl", those of you that know me know things haven't changed! I loved dresses and lace and pink, but most importantly I loved babies. I loved babies of any kind, real ones, fake ones, big ones, and tiny ones. I can always remember wanting to hold and feed babies, and again, those of you that know me know that nothing has changed. 

I know God has a plan, I know he wants for me to be "Just a mommy" some day. I hope I am close to that time, I believe I am. I long for the day that my baby looks up with their big brown eyes and says "I love you mommy".  Until that day, I will wait. Wait on the Lord, for His timing is perfect...