Friday, October 29, 2010

I didn't know.. (Part 1)

Today changes everything. My fingers tremble as I begin to write this, tears well up in my eyes to the point I can't see the computer screen. Then one by one the tears stream down my cheeks, and then onto my chest. And this lump in my throat is making it hard to breathe...
Let me take you back to the summer of 2007. David and I had been married almost 3 years. We had been trying on and off to start our family. We tried clomid, basal body temperature charts, and ovulation predictor kits. Month after month the pregnancy tests came out negative. At this point we had not yet been referred to a reproductive specialist, however David had been referred to a urologist and he underwent a semen analysis and an exam. So we knew getting pregnant on our own may be hard, but not impossible. 
I remember soo clearly the day, it was a Friday. I had the afternoon off work and was home. I thought what the heck. I will take a pregnancy test, just to make sure. Having PCOS, my periods are soo irregular, so the 28 day cycle stuff never applies to me really. I would take a pregnancy test almost every 30 days to just "check". They were always negative, always. Until this Friday. I pottied on the stick, and like every other time I watched it. I watched the urine gently slide across the clear window. First the control window, then the test window. There was the first blue line. Your heart always picks up the pace once you start seeing the urine begin its way in the test window. Hoping that one, just one time you would see a +. This Friday, yes, this Friday I did!! I starred at it for what seemed like forever, I think I may have even wiped my eyes, as to make sure there wasn't a speck of dust in my eye resulting in the +. It was true! It showed a +. I remember talking to my dog, telling her the good news first. I remember weeping, thanking God for this blessing. I remember pacing around my house, trying to figure out what I should do, who should I call? Was this even real? 
Once I regained composure I ran outside to find David. He needed to know! I wanted to celebrate this moment with him. I brought the stick with me, I knew he wouldn't believe it either. "Sweetie, you're gonna be a daddy!" I said.  My husband isn't a very emotional man. He looked at me, and he looked as though he had no words. His eyes wide open, he smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen on his face. The kind of smile a 15 year old boy smiles after he hits the winning home run for his team. David said "Really, really? That's soo great" "Are you sure? How do you know?" I extended my arm, and flashed the + test stick in front of him. "It's positive" I exclaimed. I remember hugging and just feeling like a small little family. We did it. We were on our way to living our dream of being parents. I went back inside and called my doctor. She said to come in to get my first ultrasound in 6 weeks. I made my appointment and marked it in my calendar. I clearly remember writing it in my calendar. It was the most important thing that I had ever written in it. I was soo proud. I couldn't wait to meet our sweetie. 6 weeks seemed forever away.
David and I discussed whether or not to tell anyone. He and I both have such a hard time at Christmas and holidays. We always end up opening birthday, anniversary and Christmas presents to each other way before it's time. This news of our special miracle seemed like the biggest, best present. How were we going to keep it to ourselves? We didn't, we couldn't! We decided to only tell family and close friends. I always dreamed of the day of telling our parents that they were going to be grandparents. We wouldn't, couldn't just TELL them. No, it had to be special. So I went out and bought diapers and bibs. The diapers would be for Dave's parents and the bibs for mine. I recall soo crystal clear the days we told our parents. First Davids parents. They live right across the road so we walked over with the diapers in tote. Dian, my mother in law is a Master gardener. The summer before she had just started using the inside parts of diapers in the bottom of her flower pots. They help absorb and hold water. So we sat there for a while and I kind of just casually handed Dian the diapers and said "here you may want these". She is soo sweet and said "oh thank you, I was going to go to the store to buy some more for my pots" I started laughing and said, "no, you may want to hold on to them, you're going to need them in 9 months" She said"what?" she REALLY didn't understand. However Dick, my father in law did. He smiled soo big and said "They're having a baby mom!" They cheered and gave their congrats. We didn't stay long as I couldn't wait to tell my parents the news. David and I loaded up in his truck and drove over to my parents house where we presented my parents each a gift bag. I made them open them at the same time. As they opened them my mom pulled out her bib that read "I love my grandma" and screamed. My dad smiled and read his "I love you grandpa" They said it was the happiest day of their lives. It was such a special time. We were all soo soo happy. I realized, when we told people it felt like opening the best christmas present over and over again. It warmed my heart and I felt like the proudest mama ever!
The weeks went on, we were all were soo elated! We told a handful of our friends. I of course could not stay away from the baby stuff! I bought boy clothes and girl clothes. It was soo fun. The most fun I've ever had. The feeling of always having someone with me felt remarkable. I always had someone to talk to. My little sweet pea! David and I bought a names book and had started highlighting baby names. We became very anxious for our 6 week appointment. We couldn't wait to meet the life we had made.
The day finally arrived. It was a Monday. I remember the nurse calling me back. I was a ball of emotion. Happy, nervous, excited but mostly in love. In love with the miracle which was inside me, and in love with my husband for being the man that God created him to be for me. The nurse took us inside the ultrasound room. I was going to have a vaginal ultrasound. The ultrasound tech came in, pulled up her stool and began the ultrasound. I remember making small talk with her. She moved the ultrasound probe all around, from one side of my uterus to the other. She clicked the mouse on her machine, as to save the image. At this point I didn't sense anything was wrong. I am an eternal optimist. Nothing could ever go wrong with my baby...or could it? The ultrasound tech said that she couldn't find our little peanut. She said they were too small. She said that happens often. Maybe I wasn't as far along as we had thought. She never said anything that made me worry. We were then moved into the exam room and told the doctor would be in to do my exam. 
The doctor came in and did my pelvic exam. She said my cervix/uterus felt like I was 7 weeks. She cleaned up, washed her hands and sat down. She had a serious look that had fallen on her face. I felt a heat rush through my body. I tried to prepare myself for what she was going to say. She cleared her throat and folded her hands. "Honey" she said. "There isn't a baby in there" "there never was, you had what's called a blighted ovum" "there was a sack but no baby" "I'm sorry, she said" I remember looking at David and just closing my eyes. David came up to me and put his hot, clammy hand on my forehead. I  just wanted to leave. How could this be? The doctor answered a few questions I managed to get out between sobs. "So i never was pregnant?" "No sweetie, it was just the sack, no baby, but the sack puts out the pregnancy hormone so it sort of tricks your body." she said.We gathered our things and left. This was not the ending I had anticipated. I hated walking back through the waiting room. All the visibly pregnant belly's. I wanted to scream at all of them. Who was I becoming? I felt the rage set in. Why? Why? Why? I wanted to know why? I felt soo ashamed. Not that I would ever want my baby to have sacrificed his or her life to make me feel as though I had a story, but now I had NOTHING, no baby, no story, no miscarriage, just an empty sack. What was I supposed to tell people? I felt like a fraud. A lier. I was never pregnant. I could never get that experience back of telling my husband, of telling my parents, of scheduling my first appointment. This empty sack stole it from me.
For the past 3 years, the desire to be a mommy has intensified. I loved the "feeling" I had those short 6 weeks in 2007, when I thought I "was" pregnant. It was soo hard to "un-tell" everyone. I did, I felt like a  thief that had to return stolen items. Everyone was very kind. I heard a lot of "at least you weren't actually pregnant" "You didn't actually loose a baby then, that's good". Well it didn't feel good.  It felt horrible. Part of me wished there were a baby in there so that I wouldn't have felt this way, so empty and much less a woman. This made me sick wishing it. It was a nasty cycle of endless pain. 
Since 2007, if anyone asked if I had ever been pregnant I would say "no". This I believed was the truth. My doctor told me it was "just a sack, not a baby" Nothing lead me to research a blighted ovum. I believed and trusted my doctor. Nothing until tonight that is. I was thinking of topics to place on my blog. I want to educate and arm women with knowledge about infertility. I wanted to correctly explain "an empty sack" to them. I googled "Blighted ovum" and started reading. 

"A blighted ovum is a common type of miscarriage. It happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but the resulting embryo either stops developing very early or doesn't form at all. Nowadays, the term "blighted ovum" is considered out of date. Instead, most medical professionals use the term "early pregnancy failure" to describe this situation.

With an early pregnancy failure, you'll get a positive result on a 
pregnancy test, because the placenta begins to develop anyway and starts to secrete human chorionic gonadtrophin (hCG), the hormone that these tests look for. Early on, you may also have some of the symptoms common in a normal pregnancy, such as fatigue, nausea, and sore breasts. Later, when the hormone levels begin to go down, these symptoms will subside and you're likely to have spotting or bleeding.

The most common (and hurtful) misconception is that there never was a baby. There was an embryo. There is no way to know how much of the baby formed and when the baby was absorbed. Some complaints women have are that people actually suggest to them that their body was confused and that their little one only existed in their mind. The body has reacted to the existance of a fertilized egg, the mother was absolutely pregnant--however brief--there was a pregnancy."

I feel robbed. Robbed of the grieving process, robbed of my motherhood. Robbed of special mommy time with my angel in Heaven. I feel sick, I feel like I have abandoned my child. I feel like they have been waiting on their mommy and I never came. I feel like this was all a sick joke. Why was I misinformed? Why was I told it was "Just a sack"? It was not just a sack. It was our baby! My baby! 
Tonight as my fingers tremble typing this blog, and tears well up in my eyes. I have experienced every emotion a mother could experience when they loose a child. Never, ever in my life would I leave my child, or disregard their life. A life begins at conception. I had a child growing inside of me. No matter how big or small. A life. My child's life. A life I didn't know existed the past 3 years. I was just misinformed. I didn't know....but I do...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

"Just a mommy"...

My mom just recently found this little book from when I was in the 1st grade. 
My mom said when anyone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always say "Just a mommy!" She wrote that under my "art" so I would remember.

"Just a mommy". Even in the 1st grade I had no question of what I wanted to be when I grew up, a mommy. Little did I know in the second grade, that even at 31, my deepest desire in life would be the same, to be "Just a mommy". I can remember being a little girl. I was always a "girlie girl", those of you that know me know things haven't changed! I loved dresses and lace and pink, but most importantly I loved babies. I loved babies of any kind, real ones, fake ones, big ones, and tiny ones. I can always remember wanting to hold and feed babies, and again, those of you that know me know that nothing has changed. 

I know God has a plan, I know he wants for me to be "Just a mommy" some day. I hope I am close to that time, I believe I am. I long for the day that my baby looks up with their big brown eyes and says "I love you mommy".  Until that day, I will wait. Wait on the Lord, for His timing is perfect...

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Darling Husband...

A few blogs ago I listed all of the medication I was on. 13 pills. One of the small sacrifice's I'm willing to make if it helps me to become a mommy. However, in that blog, somehow, I forgot to list my darling husbands sacrifices that he has to make as well. You see, infertility isn't always one sided. As in me and David 's case. So under the recommendation of Dr. Simckes David is on:
1. Fertility Blend (male fertility supplement/vitamin) (3 pills)
2. Baby aspirin ( to help with reproductive blood flow) (1pill)
3. CoQ10 (another supplement) (1pill)
4. Vitamin C (another supplement)  (2 chewable tabs)

So all together 7 pills/tabs David is taking. It was soo funny, When David and I went to the pharmacy to pick up the baby aspirin and a few other things, my eyes were drawn to the pill dividers, 2 big ones with the usual Sunday- Saturday written on each corresponding divider section. He looked at me, and I at him. We both kind of chuckled. He went to reach for a pretty blue one, I looked at him and shook my head and redirected his hand to the larger one I had my eye on. Things "clicked" and David realized the pills he was going to have to take, were too many to fit in the pretty blue box he had originally chosen.

The doctor also told David and I both no alcohol (limited to 1 drink a day, or 2 every other day), and no tobacco. He said that he had found that tobacco of any kind makes the embryos (babies) look rough under the microscope. He also said alcohol was like toxic poison to sperm specifically.
David likes to have a few beers in the evening while he is down working on our new home that he is trying to get ready for us. His friends stop by, they have a few beers together, and shoot the breeze. To some this may not seem like a huge sacrifice. To David it is. David also chews, chewing tobacco (yucky, I know).  However, he has agreed to limit himself to 1 beer a day, and we are going to "wean" him off of the chewing tobacco. We are going to start mixing it with herbal chewing "tobacco". They sell "fake" chewing tobacco. We're gonna give it a whirl for him. David likes the taste of beer, so I suggested that he just get non-alcoholic, maybe trick the mind a little. He can still shoot the breeze, just with a NA instead!  He actually liked this idea. My prayer is that his friends will be supportive of him. Why would they not?
The doctor said it takes 3 whole months of being "clean" for him to see the results in the sperm. So if our IVF is the first part of February. Let the 3 month "clean" countdown begin!!! Whatever it takes!! What a good Daddy he is already! I love him more and more everyday! My sweet, sweet David, I love you!!

Healthy bodies and baby dust,


Friday, October 22, 2010

We're on Facebook!!

Hello friends!! Please join us on Facebook! We are Faith 'N' Fertility. Please friend request us! Hope to see ya there!!!

My cry...

Today started off for me, with a big 'ole cry! Sometimes a cry is in order. Apparently this morning it indeed was. This morning's cry, however, was different. It was a cry of of joy, of peace, of acceptance, of anticipation, thankfulness and praise....all rolled into a big fat bawl session. I literally have felt like an erupted volcano these past few days. Six years of trying to conceive, and this is it, we're here! Well, almost. All the time, money, tears and anticipation are all coming to a head. Such a time of preparation. The last few days my emotions have exploded, and all the hot, red, lava bursting out of my volcano is the love and support of my friends and family. I feel the love just consuming me.  It warms my soul. To all of you, I am forever grateful...

Love and baby dust,

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Whatever it takes...

Whew! Today I finally picked up the last bunch of my new medication that the doctor started me on. All of them make perfect sense to be on, but it seems like such a task. Let me give you the run down:

1. Metformin (helps shrink my cysts on my ovaries) (3pills)
2. Prometrium (helps induce a menstrual cycle) (2 pills)
3. Folgard (Folic acid, B6, B12) (1 pill)
4. Synthroid (hypothyroid med) (1 pill)
5. PR Natal (Prenatal vitamin) (2 pills)
6. Fertility Blend (Fertility vitamin) (1 pill)
7. Baby Aspirin (help reproductive blood flow) (1 pill)
8. Diet pill (to help me get a little weight off before IVF) (1 pill)
9. Ortho- Novum (Birth control pill- I know seems strange! But its to get me regular and so I can shed the lining of my uterus each month) (1 pill)

So...13 pills a day!! There is just something about having to literally swallow 13 pills. If you asked me 10 years ago what I thought of someone that needed 13 pills a day, I probably would have told you that they must be 102 and on their death bed. I, however can assure you, I am no where near death! I'm very much full of life! My body just isn't working right. I soo wish it were. Never in my life would I EVER wish infertility on even my worst enemy.  At this point my body has been so poked and prodded at, that there really isn't any modesty left. Or maybe there is, but at this point soo many doctors have seen my "uterus" (for lack of better words) that I just don't care. From the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram - this was super painful!) to vaginal ultrasounds (so many of them I've lost count) to lab draws to cervical exams and biopsies to injections in my bum and injections in my belly. Oh and how can I forget! 4 IUI's (Intra Uterine Insemination). And...don't even get me started on how many ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests I've done!! Let's just put it this way...I have kept e.p.t. in business for the last 6 years!!! Seriously!!! Last but not least, my darling husband, David. The poor man, bless his heart! He has had to... uh hum..."hand over his soldiers" (again...for lack of better words) to the lab...oh... about 10 times!! That's a whole blog in itself. I'll save it for a day that I need a good laugh. You will laugh too! How can you not?! If you don't laugh, you'll cry! That's the attitude I try to have most of the time!

So down the hatch these 13 pills body will be strong, it will be mighty and it will be a perfect "home" for my sweetie! I can't wait!! I would take 13,000 pills if I had to, to get me my sweet angel in the end!! I bet all you mothers would agree. Would you not do anything and everything for your blessings? Of course you would! 

Blessings to all, and baby dust,

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Cloud 9!!!

Boy oh Boy!!! You know that feeling I said I had 2 blogs ago? The feeling of being a 9 year old on Christmas eve? I STILL have it!! Ok, so last weekend Amy and I went to Missouri to meet with the new doctor we decided IVF...HERE WE COME. Since then, that's all I can think about!! IVF, IVF,, baby, BABIES!! LOL!! Just for the record, I gratefully welcome twins! The road of infertility has been a long, hard battle...up until now! I am on stinking cloud 9!!! Like an IVF high almost!! 

Since Amy and I have been back home from Missouri both of our minds have been on overdrive! We both understood that our paths crossed 2 years ago for some reason, we just didn't know why at the time. Our friendship is comparable to an onion perhaps. A pretty Vildalia onion of course, month by month the Lord revealed, or "peeled" back a layer for us. With each layer, getting closer to the "meat" of the onion. This month, this week, right now I feel like the Lord has finally revealed the nice shiney first layer of the onion. Things are coming together! Plans are being revealed! 

Amy and I started these blogs not a week ago, and soo many people are emailing, commenting, and following our blogs. We also started a Facebook page together (Faith 'N' Fertility) and within 48 hours we had over 400 friends!! Facebook themselves emailed us to tell us that they couldn't believe how many friends were requesting us, and they were gonna freeze our ability to friend request anyone for 2 whole days! What?! THIS is our now, THIS is our time, THIS is our calling, I truly believe that it is!! Nothing makes me smile more than to open a message from our facebook page or see 10 more friends joined our blog, or Facebook page. My prayer and hope is that by having the blog and the Facebook page that I can use them both as a platform to spread awareness and offer support!

So a HUGE thank you to everyone that reads this! You are truly a blessing to me! With your love and support I'm just gonna stay up here on my cloud 9 and chill for a while!!

Much love and baby dust,

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

15 things you should NEVER say to couples facing infertility...

If you are trying to be a good friend to someone with infertility, kudos to you! Your support and friendship can mean the world to them. Here are 15 things to never say to a friend (or coworker, family member, total stranger) that is facing infertility.

"Well, I have the opposite problem! My husband just walks in the room and I get pregnant."

That's great for you. However, this comment is just not a very uplifting thing to say to someone who can't get pregnant. It turns the conversation on yourself, and won't make matters any better. Please avoid comparing their infertility to your blessing of fertility. 

"Just relax and then you'll get pregnant."

This is a very common tip that many infertile women receive. It's inappropriate, because it's simply not true. While stress and tension can affect fertility in some ways, just relaxing isn't a cure for infertility. If that were true, the world would be a much more populous place! It's like saying to someone facing cancer, "Just relax and then you'll be healed." Also, this comment assumes that they can't relax, which is probably not true, and it's not encouraging them to make such assumptions.

"Why don't you adopt?"Adoption is a very loving choice, but it's not possible for some couples. Some simply aren't ready to give up the dream of having a biological child. Some couples may not qualify for adoption because of health issues, background, or simply cannot afford it. Also, chances are they have definitely already thought of adoption and they'll let you know when they're at that point.

"Just be patient, if it's God's will, He'll bless you with a child." 

Some similar versions of this comment are "God will give you a child when you're ready." Or, "Maybe this is God's way of saying you're not meant to have kids." These comments are perhaps the most hurtful and insensitive things you can say to an infertile women. The truth is, no one knows God's will, and making statements like these are like putting words into God's mouth. Sure, we can make some pretty good guesses about God's will, but we don't know. It's like saying to a mother whose child is dying of cancer "Maybe this is God's way of saying you're not meant to be a mother anymore." Or, to a parent who's child has been kidnapped, "Just be patient, if it's God's will your child will be found." 

That being said, I do feel that facing trials such as infertility develops perseverance. I can look back at this time and see how God worked in my life. But, I do not believe that all tragedies are God's will, and no one should ever assume that. 

"Why don't you just get a dog?"

No offense to dogs (I have one and she's great) but a pet and a baby are not the same thing. That comment won't help her at all, trust me on this one.

"Once you adopt I bet you'll get pregnant."Although this does happen, statistically it is very, very rare. This statement also conveys (in a small way) that a biological child is better than an adopted child. Please avoid ever saying this to an infertile friend.

"Well so-and-so didn't have any kids..."

It's just not very comforting. Not to beat a dead horse on comparing it to cancer, but it's similar to saying someone who found out that have a terminal illness, "Well, Great Aunt Martha had cancer and she died."

"Have you tried.....(insert advice here)?"

Trust me, they've probably tried it. More than likely the advice you have isn't going to help them, so refrain from providing little tidbits of advice. Unless you have been in her shoes exactly, it is not your place to be playing nurse. 

"You can have my kids, I don't want them."

Um, that one's pretty self explanatory. 

"Well, at least you..." 

Any comment that starts with "at least" probably isn't going to be very encouraging to someone facing infertility. She has, more than likely, realized how blessed she is to be married, have a good job, etc, and making comments like that only minimizes the problem. If you want to helpful, never make a statement like that.

"Why don't you try In Vitro Fertilization?"

This comment sounds helpful, as you are suggesting treatment, but it's nosy and not really something you should ask. Many couples have different feelings about in vitro for some it may not be morally and ethically the right decision. So be very careful unless you specifically know their views on IVF. Also, with each attempt IVF costs about $20,000 (or more), some couples cannot afford this option. 

"Enjoy your childless time that you have now."

It's common to want to point out that they can still travel, have time to themselves, get manicures, etc. But, truthfully, this isn't the lifestyle that she wants and its hard to enjoy something you didn't plan for. Also, more than likely all of their money is going towards medical bills, not extravagant vacations and such.

"I understand. It took us 5 months to get pregnant."
Taking 5 months to conceive and being diagnosed with infertility are completely different situations. I know you may be trying to be helpful, but its best not to play the comparing game.

"Why don't you just take a vacation or something, maybe that'll help?"

That's fine to suggest, if you want to pay for it. But, truthfully a vacation won't fix a medical issue. Please do your best to avoid recommending that.

"Well, if I had known how difficult kids were, I wouldn't have signed up!"
This is a very negative comment and won't make anyone feel better. It is turning the conversation on yourself and minimizing the problem. Your friend or acquaintance facing infertility may have more patience and mothering skills than you, and it's wrong to assume that she's like you. 

In conclusion, please remember that infertility is a grieving process. They are grieving a shattering dream, something they've probably desired since they were a little girl. The best thing you can do is listen, pray for them, and support them through this time of trial.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I Would Die For That

Back to work

Boy! Was today a struggle concentrating!! I was on IVF overload all day. I felt like I was a 9 year old on Christmas eve all day. I know February is quite a while away, but today I felt like it was right around the corner! I can't stop thinking about our visit to the new doctor's office! I love this feeling, but Dear Lord, help me to focus on my job and what's important right now. Today I went to work and got to tell the gals my plans for IVF. They were all soo supportive and excited. I am happy to work with such sweet people. I brought my ultrasound of my "polypy uterus" to work today, the gals seemed to be interested (bless their hearts) I had this "moment" where I thought, "Man, in just a few months, that "polypy uterus" in that ultrasound, will have a BABY in it!!!!!! I can't believe it!! I long for that day.

The gals at work today were sharing stories about when they first found out that they were pregnant. It was soo neat to hear. I admitted to them this dirty little secret that, only (up until now) David knew about. So... after 5+ years of NEGATIVE pregnancy tests, I just REALLY wanted to pee on the doggone stick and see a "+" instead of a "-"!!! So what did i do? After receiving a HCG trigger shot at the doctors office (which HCG is what is excreted during pregnancy AND what the pregnancy tests measure) I Pee'd on that doggone stick!!! I think it was sick and twisted and it certainly did NOTHING to help my emotional status, but in some way, for a split second I believed I was pregnant. I pretended. Then I came back to planet earth, and threw the stick away. I thought, "every other women my age gets to see that stick change, why couldn't I?" 

I guess my lesson here is that God is soo faithful, he probably thought to Himself, "You silly girl, Logan! Don't you know I have it all under control? I'm up here perfecting your little angels. They are not quite ready. Wait until you see the plans I have for you!!" 

Isn't it funny how we feel like we always have to be in control? I know I do!! Struggling with Infertility makes you feel so helpless, and out of control. Over time the Lord has helped me to claim my infertility and to let go of trying to control it. I have given it all up to Him. I know His promise and I long for it...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Our Trip to Missouri

So after almost 6 years of infertility, and 4 years seeing an infertility specialist in Indiana and still no baby, we needed to regroup and come up with something different. 

2 years ago this summer, I met one of the sweetest people I have ever encountered. Little did I know at the time but she and her husband would become nearly best friends to David and I, and beyond even that, the Lord had amazing plans for the 4 of us!! I met Amy 2 summers ago at a Beauti Control Spa. She was the consultant and I was just a friend that was invited to go to an in home spa. Amy and I connected on soo may levels. I then started selling Beauti control. I thought this was why we had met. To be "spa girls" together. The more we learned about each other, the more the similarities were alarming! We went to the same church, our childhood struggles were similar, and we both were facing infertility. We now know the Lord designed our friendship to be sooo much more than Beauti control! Amy started going to the same infertility practice that David and I had been going to here in Fort Wayne. She and her husband have been facing infertility for 12 years and have had 7 miscarriages. They just recently lost their last baby several weeks ago. She and I both were desperately seeking answers and what our next step would be. Amy started researching CDC results on infertility clinics and looking up IVF clinics/specialists. She came across an Infertility doctor that caught her interest.  We were soo intrigued by this website and all the info we found on the doctor there! He was on the panel of Dr's that invented ICSI and assisted hatching, which is the type of IVF David and I need to have. The only problem with this Dr, was that he is in St. Louis Missouri! 
Well, we weren't gonna let that stop us!! So Amy, Chad, David and I all packed up this past Friday and drove down to see this new doctor!! He is soo amazing that he agreed to come in on a Saturday to see us "Hoosier Girls". 
So the 4 of us drove down there Friday and our appointment was Saturday morning. This Dr is AMAZING!! One of the first things he said to David after seeing his Semen Analysis results was "Do you work around Cement, concrete or Lyme?" We both freaked out! That's what David does!! He sells the chemicals that go into making concrete! The doctor said he was going to have to do more research on that topic but that he had seen other cases of Dave's type of infertility and correlation's to cement, concrete and lyme. He also was shocked that we had not had certain labs done. The most shocking finding was that he found (through an ultrasound) a polyp in my uterus! It was soo large that he said that basically was acting as a IUD (Intra uterine device)!! So he wants me to have a D and C, or a intra uterine scraping to clean out the lining and remove the polyp. 
The 4 of us were soo pleased with the doctor that we made appointments to do IVF in February...together!! We cannot believe that we literally will be doing this at the same time, that our babies will be conceived in the same lab! This is just all part of God's plan for our friendship! We feel soo blessed to be able to do this together. Amy and I will be spending 2 weeks in February together in Missouri during our IVF procedure. We are anxiously awaiting this time! Please continue to keep the 4 of us in your prayers. These next few months we will be busy preparing our minds and bodies for this most important occasion! 


Hello everyone! Well, Here I go!! My first blog! I wanted to start a blog to be able to document our journey through the next year of our life. As many of you know or maybe don't know, my husband, David and I have been struggling with infertility for almost 6 years now. It has been the most emotional thing I have ever faced in my life. I feel we all have a calling on our life, and I feel that for David and myself that calling is to be parents. I soo desperately want to be a mommy, and having zero control over that is simply heartbreaking. I am going to get pretty detailed on this blog. No sugar coating! I want to document my raw emotions, the procedures, and everything in between. So I apologize, in advance, if I get too graphic for anyone!'s our story up until now...
It all began November 20th, 2004. I married my soulmate!! David and I both decided as soon as we were married that having a family was very important to us. We decided that "when it happened, it happened" so we stopped using any form of contraceptive right away. (or as our new infertility doctor describes "we fired the goalie") Pretty much that same year I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary syndrome) PCOS is when your hormones get all out of whack and you form little cyst's on the ovaries, which also in turn makes you insulin resistant. Side effects/symptoms are: weight gain, facial hair, ovarian cysts, irregular periods and a whole gamete of other things! After about 2 years on our own, with no baby, I asked my OBGYN for advice on getting pregnant. I was given Metformin (which is a diabetic medication) to shrink my cysts, and hopefully calm the PCOS down. I seemed to respond ok to this medication, as it helped to regulate my cycle. So the doctors let us go a few months on that, hoping that would help in getting us pregnant. I was optimistic as I had heard good things about Metformin! I was also very hopeful as it was on the Walmart $4 list. so it was cheap! In the second year of trying, I had what's call a blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”). This happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant.  I however did know, and had told everyone. We were sooo excited. So this seemed like such a huge loss to us. So after this took place and before you knew it, 6 months went by, and no positive pregnancy test. 
We were then referred to an infertility reproductive endocrinologist in Fort Wayne. By this time David and i had been trying for over 2 years. This doctor did a whole panel of tests on us and it was found not only did I have PCOS, but David had infertility issues as well. The Morphology of his semen analysis (told ya I was gonna get graphic...sorry) was very abnormal. There are 3 parts to a SA (semen analysis): count, motility, and morphology. The count: how many are there, Motility: how well do they swim, Morphology: how are they shaped. Morph's are supposed to be >30 % normal to slightly abnormal. My Darling husband David's Morphs are only 0-2%! We were pretty devastated. We knew this was another roadblock in front of us. 
Our doctor advised starting with IUI's (intra uterine insemination). This is where they take David's sperm, wash it, and place it in my uterus using a specialized catheter. David and I did 4 cycles of this. I also at the time was being ramped up on medication, to optimize ovulation. The doctor started me on Clomid, which is a pill to encourage ovulation. This process was long. It involved a lot of trips to the doctor. for every cycle it involved ultrasounds, semen analysis, sperm washings, labs, and IUI's. For about 2 weeks out of the month I was in either the lab or the doctor's office seriously every other day! Each month the cost of this was roughly $1,500. Insurance doesn't pay for anything involved with infertility (that will be a later blog). After about a year of this process and still no baby, we ramped up the medication with IUI, one last time.  I was started on HCG trigger shot injections after IUI's. We did this 2 times. Still no positive pregnancy test. At this time, we were emotionally, physically and basically financially drained. We decided to take a year off to regroup. This was much needed time for us.

But now we are back in the saddle and have decided we can't stop until we get our angel!! IVF, here we come!!