Today...I felt infertility.

Today, I felt infertility. I mean I REALLY felt it. It has been following me the past few weeks. Babies everywhere, ultrasound pics being uploaded to facebook, baby pictures being pinned on pinterest, adoptions, due dates getting close for pregnant friends, baby showers, baby bump pics, pregnancy announcements, and the final kicker...an adorable birth announcement in my mailbox tonight! Deep down, the core of me is soo happy and over the moon for my friends and acquaintances who are in "baby land", but the right now, THIS week, THIS day, I'm...well, I'm sad...I'm infertile.

Some of you who have experienced infertility and pregnancy loss know what I mean when I say I felt infertility today. Some days are better than others. I deal with it. Ignore it. Pretend it's not happening to me. Today, I couldn't. Today I just want to cry. Which makes it worse. I wish I had a little one to snuggle with. I wish I had someone to look up at me and say.."it will be alright mommy!" Today, I just felt life passing me by. Today I felt like I could leave this earth and no one would miss me. Today I felt hopeless. Today I felt like I don't have a story. Today...I felt infertility.

I just want God to do something major in my life. I want a miracle. When will it be my turn? I have soo many things to be thankful for in my life, however I can only focus on that ONE thing I don't have...a child.

On my way home tonight I prayed, I prayed God would do something big, something REALLY big in my life. Maybe bring someone looking to give their baby up for adoption to me or maybe even conceive naturally...pretty BIG stuff, I know! This I KNOW is true... God loves me, He has this...He gets me. I have FAITH God will do something big. I don't think He knows how to do it any other way!

As I was ending my prayer tonight during my car ride home this song came on. I couldn't help but smile, I knew it was a "God thing"! It was confirmation he knows! He knows when... no one else knows!

Blessings,

Lo

No one knows..http://youtu.be/RCXMK0bR8I0

Today, I felt infertility. I mean I REALLY felt it. It has been following me the past few weeks. Babies everywhere, ultrasound pics being uploaded to facebook, baby pictures being pinned on pinterest, adoptions, due dates getting close for pregnant friends, baby showers, baby bump pics, pregnancy announcements, and the final kicker...an adorable birth announcement in my mailbox tonight! Deep down, the core of me is soo happy and over the moon for my friends and acquaintances who are in "baby land", but the right now, THIS week, THIS day, I'm...well, I'm sad...I'm infertile.

Some of you who have experienced infertility and pregnancy loss know what I mean when I say I felt infertility today. Some days are better than others. I deal with it. Ignore it. Pretend it's not happening to me. Today, I couldn't. Today I just want to cry. Which makes it worse. I wish I had a little one to snuggle with. I wish I had someone to look up at me and say.."it will be alright mommy!" Today, I just felt life passing me by. Today I felt like I could leave this earth and no one would miss me, Today I felt hopeless. Today I felt like I don't have a story. Today, I felt infertility.

I just want God to do something major in my life. I want a miracle. When will it be my turn? I have soo many things to be thankful for in my life, however I can only focus on that ONE thing I don't have...a child.

On my way home tonight i prayed, I prayed God would do something big, something REALLY big in my life. Maybe bring someone looking to give their baby up for adoption to me, conceive naturally, pretty BIG stuff I know! This I KNOW is true... God loves me, He has this...He gets me. I have FAITH God will do something big. I don't think He knows how to do it any other way!

As I was ending my prayer tonight in my car ride home this song came on. I couldn't help but smile, I knew it was a "God thing"! It was confirmation he knows! He knows when... no one knows!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCXMK0bR8I0&feature=related

Blessed beyond measure!

Hello friends and followers!

Wow! Sooo much has been going on in my little world! Especially since the last time I have blogged! So I am gonna just do a quick snippet of a few important things, otherwise this blog post is libel to be 20 pages long!!! So here I go...

Amy and I started a "silly Facebook page" roughly 8 months ago. We started it in hope that it would bring us other friends and supporters who were walking our same journey. We wanted to create this page so while we were in Missouri that we would be able to converse about our IVF cycles with others. We came up with a "catchy" name for it too: Faith N' Fertility!! Well to date our "silly Facebook page" has over 3,150 friends! What?! It has blown both Amy and I away with all the love, support, prayer and fellowship our "silly Facebook page" has brought to others as well as us. She and i both realized about 3-4 months ago what we really had....and what we felt like the Lord was calling us to do. He was calling us to action, He was calling us to start an organization off our "silly Facebook page"! So guess what? WE ARE!!!! Amy and I are feverishly working to expand Faith N' Fertility into something even bigger. To spread hope, awareness, advocacy to those battling infertility and pregnancy loss.

Website- We are working on finalizing our Faith N' Fertility website: www.faithnfertility.org. We currently have a static page up, but are meeting with our web developer today to start to put the finishing touches on things! We are beyond excited!!

OUR LOGO!! See it below this blog posting! Thanks to Vision One 76 for developing our brand, we love it so much and can't wait to "wear it with pride"!

Soooo much more to catch you up on it's unbelievable, so stay tuned!!!

Blessings!

Lo

Pics!!

This I know for sure...

Well again time has passed since my last blog, how does time slip away so quickly? In my last blog I spoke about things that God was beginning to reveal to me. I often relate things to an onion, it is such a good representation when

My worst Day relived...

Well, I wonder if I actually remember how to blog? I haven't blogged since February, while I was in the middle of my IVF cycle. Let me catch everyone up a bit. I know my dear Faith 'N' Fertility friends perhaps knows the outcome, but for any of you that were following just my blog, let me take you back to February.


So in my last blog, we had just gotten to Missouri, and were mid cycle. All seemed to be going so well. In fact my cycle was described as "perfect". I responded correctly to all my meds, there didn't appear to be any fluid accumulating as we thought maybe there would be. My overies filled up with eggs, 41 to be exact. Yes 41. I cannot even begin to describe THAT feeling! Carrying around 41 eggs is quite a task I came to find out! As soon as my follies grew to the point of discomfort, my body sort of "freaked" out. I vomited almost hourly. I could not keep food down. I could not potty without screaming (my ovaries got soo huge they were rubbing my kidneys) I felt like I was on my death bed. I was taking dramamine by the handfuls! I lived on mash potatoes and applesauce. I was very scared, scared that this was not right. It was only natural to compare myself to Amy, and she felt good most days (when I say good, I mean she felt good enough to shower and maybe take a lap around the parking lot. Ha! Ha!) In fact (yes Amy I'm telling the story) one night I was so, so sick and poor Amy had to listen to me day after day, night after night get sick in the hotel bathroom, well this night was the worst. I couldn't pull myself away from the toilet, I vomited so violently I peed my pants, all over myself and our bathroom floor. Amy, without a thought otherwise, went and got me new pants, took my wet ones off, cleaned the floor, dressed me and put me back to bed! WOW! That's a BEST friend!!!


Although I felt like crap, doc said things looked great, and we would trudge through. So we had the egg retrieval (Dave was now down in Missouri, and was ready to make his debut in the cycle), they retrieved 41 Eggs. Of the 41 eggs 25 were mature, and of the 25 fertilized, 6 made it to embryo state. Doc said he hadn't seen such "perfect" embryos in a while. They grade them, and all of mine were A-'s. (They must take after their mommy! LOL!) We discussed and had 2 transfered and froze 4 for later. Boom, it was all over. We returned to Indiana, and the 2 week wait began!


As soon as I got home, it seemed as though "All Hell broke loose", so to speak. Doc had said that I would have a chance of what's called "hyperstimming" because I have PCOS, and made tons of eggs, I was at higher risk for my ovaries to hyper-stimulate, and fluid would collect in my belly. Oh boy did it ever! In a matter of about 3 days I gained over 20 pounds! All in my belly. I looked 8 months pregnant. I stayed in close contact with Dr. S, and he said if my breathing ever felt compromised to get to the nearest ER. It was soo hard because he was in MO, and I soo badly wanted to drive there so he could take care of me! He has experience with high risk IVF cycles. Well, needless to say, I could not return to work, I slept in a lazy boy, and finally it got soo bad, it really started to impend on my breathing. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without getting very short of breath. I called doc, and he said to go to the hospital. So off we went.


I arrived to the hospital, they rushed me right in. I think they thought I was ready to deliver. I sure looked like I was! They ran all sorts of blood tests, did an ultrasound to check my ovaries (which were larger than grapefruits they said) and belly. This entire time I am sooo scared. Not for myself but for my 2 sweet babies that were trying to implant themselves in my belly. I already was a very protective mama! One of the labs came back abnormal the PT. Because I was short of breath, I guess they needed to rule out a P.E. (blood clot in my lung), so they wanted to do an MRI. I refused it. I was not going to subject my babies to that amount of radiation. I am an educated person, who also happens to be a respiratory therapist. In my heart of hearts i knew it wasn't a PE. So I refused. THEN, the radiologists walk in all gowned up and begin to explain that I have A LOT of fluid in my abdomen, and they needed to tap my belly. I couldn't believe this was all happening to me! Why was my body reacting this way? Dr. Simckes told me that he has never had a patient hyper-stim. That only 2-3% of women do. So why the hell did it have to happen to me? I was soo worried how my 2 little ones were, while this "tornato" ripped through my body.          (Below is a picture of how big my belly got from all the fluid!!!)

The next week and a half, I spent in the lazy boy. I longed for a night in my own bed! I couldn't go back to work. So that left me home to worry, and think, and pray, and dream. I did it all!! Then 2 days before I was due to test, the unthinkable happened. My worst nightmare. I began to bleed. The bleeding was abnormal. tissue-like. I immediately called the clinic. Doc said to be on bed rest, and to go take my Beta HCG. That some bleeding could just mean that they were implanting. I sooo prayed that was the case!! I tested, and waited. It seemed like eternity while I waited for the results. Finally I got the call. It was POSITIVE...but a low positive. I was to test in 48 hours to see if my numbers go up.


Over the next 48 hours, I did nothing but plead with God. I stayed up late at night praying, I woke up in the middle of the night and prayed, and first thing in the morning I...you got it...PRAYED! I wanted these babies more than ANYTHING. I wanted to get the chance to be their mommy. To pinch their chubby cheeks and push them on the swing set. I claimed them as mine, and I pleaded to the Lord to not take them!


I went to take the final HCG.  My numbers went down. I was devastated. It shook me to my core. All I could do was cling to my husband and cry. We cried for days. We went through every emotion. Disbelief, anger, rage, sorrow, we felt them all. We couldn't believe we had gone through this to end up with loss. Over the next passing days and weeks I got pretty upset with God, I must admit. I just didn't understand. Why were all my friends getting pregnant, but I couldn't? Why did I have to suffer the way I did for Him to take them in the end? I couldn't understand...but now I do. I understand now. (My next blog I will tell you what I know. God has revealed soo much to me!)


I want to keep up with blogging. I think I have a story to tell. It may not have a happy ending...yet, but if I can encourage 1 person who reads this, then I have succeeded in what I set out to do. Thank you all for being soo patient and soo supportive to me during my journey to motherhood! Blessings to you all!


Logan

Room 110

Ok, so We're FINALLY here in Missouri!! I can't believe it! Amy and I left Indiana on Sunday around noon and it took us a little over 5 hours to get here. The car ride actually went fast this time. We were kind of nervous how we would do. It was the first trip that our darling husbands weren't the ones behind the wheel. It was just us girls. Dave's last words to me were "just get on 69 south, and follow your GPS..." so after Amy and I said our goodbyes and took off, you can imagine my embarrassment as I realized I was heading NORTH on 69. Needless to say, I haven't mentioned this to Dave. Amy and I made it about 45 minutes down the road before our bellies were telling us they were hungry. Just a side note...these infertility meds seriously make me want to devour everything I can get my hands on. Most every ivf women I have spoken with agrees. We have bottomless pits. So, Amy and I decided since we were hungry we would stop at McDonalds, grab some drive thru, and keep truckin down the road. As Amy and I were unwrapping all of our food and began munching on our McDonalds, Amy grabbed her Coke and somehow the styrofoam cup got a huge puncture hole in the side of it. Coke was pouring out of the cup like a garden hose. We instantly starting playing "Hot Potato" with the oversized cup. Amy passed it to me, then me back to her, then her to me...I was desperate at this point and heaved it out my window, while traveling down I-69. I hate littering, but this was an emergency!
During our car ride Amy read aloud the "Multiple Blessings" By Kate Gosslin, how fitting, as we are both secretly hoping for twins. It helped to pass the time along. We jammed out to some of my WOW worship CD's, this got us pretty pumped up. Kinda neat to have 2 wanna be mama's singing their guts out for the Lord while cruising down the highway!
So we arrived in MO around 5pm and were escorted to our room, Room 110. They obliged us our request for the largest room available during our last visit. So we were excited to see what Room 110 had to offer, as it was going to be our "Home" for the next 2 weeks. To our dismay Room 110, was a HOT mess!!! Upon entrance into the room, I was slapped in the face with a smell that resembled Daves sweaty gym bag. The old carpet had holes, as did both comforters, The laminate was ripped away from the kitchen counter tops. Needless to say, this was not going to work. We decided that room 110 just wasn't going to cut it. Amy, bless her heart, tried to comfort me by saying there are children that sleep on dirt floors. In the end, she caved too, and we quickly returned Room 110's key to the check in clerk. We told him we were willing to give up "space" for "luxury & esthetics". They were quick to oblige us and put us in a much nicer room. Its only problem was the smell. Thank God for room spray and Bath and Body works candles!!!
So Amy and I unpacked all of our things in our new "Fancy" room and crashed, as the next day, Monday was our first appointment with Dr. S.
Monday arrived and we were soo excited to see how our bodys were responding to the medications that we have been on. When we arrived at Fertility Partnership, we were greeted by Dr. Simckes with a great big bear hug. He's a hugger! Amy and I decided since our hubby's weren't here this week that we would go into each others appointments. I was up first, Dr. Simckes came in. He was bright eyed and bushy tailed (as always), this is always soo encouraging to me. so he came into the room, big hugs again, and then down to business. Started my ultrasound, and he said he was very pleased with my progress. My follies were responding to the medication. I had at least 10 on each side, he said this was great!! He kept my medication the same, and he'd see me on Wednesday. Next up was Amy, she also got a good report. (follow her journey at 7inarow.blogspot.com)
Soo sleepy tonight, catch ya all up on the rest of our happenings tomorrow!

Love and baby dust,
Lo