Monday, October 18, 2010

Back to work

Boy! Was today a struggle concentrating!! I was on IVF overload all day. I felt like I was a 9 year old on Christmas eve all day. I know February is quite a while away, but today I felt like it was right around the corner! I can't stop thinking about our visit to the new doctor's office! I love this feeling, but Dear Lord, help me to focus on my job and what's important right now. Today I went to work and got to tell the gals my plans for IVF. They were all soo supportive and excited. I am happy to work with such sweet people. I brought my ultrasound of my "polypy uterus" to work today, the gals seemed to be interested (bless their hearts) I had this "moment" where I thought, "Man, in just a few months, that "polypy uterus" in that ultrasound, will have a BABY in it!!!!!! I can't believe it!! I long for that day.

The gals at work today were sharing stories about when they first found out that they were pregnant. It was soo neat to hear. I admitted to them this dirty little secret that, only (up until now) David knew about. So... after 5+ years of NEGATIVE pregnancy tests, I just REALLY wanted to pee on the doggone stick and see a "+" instead of a "-"!!! So what did i do? After receiving a HCG trigger shot at the doctors office (which HCG is what is excreted during pregnancy AND what the pregnancy tests measure) I Pee'd on that doggone stick!!! I think it was sick and twisted and it certainly did NOTHING to help my emotional status, but in some way, for a split second I believed I was pregnant. I pretended. Then I came back to planet earth, and threw the stick away. I thought, "every other women my age gets to see that stick change, why couldn't I?" 

I guess my lesson here is that God is soo faithful, he probably thought to Himself, "You silly girl, Logan! Don't you know I have it all under control? I'm up here perfecting your little angels. They are not quite ready. Wait until you see the plans I have for you!!" 

Isn't it funny how we feel like we always have to be in control? I know I do!! Struggling with Infertility makes you feel so helpless, and out of control. Over time the Lord has helped me to claim my infertility and to let go of trying to control it. I have given it all up to Him. I know His promise and I long for it...

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