I didn't know.. (Part 1)

Today changes everything. My fingers tremble as I begin to write this, tears well up in my eyes to the point I can't see the computer screen. Then one by one the tears stream down my cheeks, and then onto my chest. And this lump in my throat is making it hard to breathe...
Let me take you back to the summer of 2007. David and I had been married almost 3 years. We had been trying on and off to start our family. We tried clomid, basal body temperature charts, and ovulation predictor kits. Month after month the pregnancy tests came out negative. At this point we had not yet been referred to a reproductive specialist, however David had been referred to a urologist and he underwent a semen analysis and an exam. So we knew getting pregnant on our own may be hard, but not impossible. 
I remember soo clearly the day, it was a Friday. I had the afternoon off work and was home. I thought what the heck. I will take a pregnancy test, just to make sure. Having PCOS, my periods are soo irregular, so the 28 day cycle stuff never applies to me really. I would take a pregnancy test almost every 30 days to just "check". They were always negative, always. Until this Friday. I pottied on the stick, and like every other time I watched it. I watched the urine gently slide across the clear window. First the control window, then the test window. There was the first blue line. Your heart always picks up the pace once you start seeing the urine begin its way in the test window. Hoping that one, just one time you would see a +. This Friday, yes, this Friday I did!! I starred at it for what seemed like forever, I think I may have even wiped my eyes, as to make sure there wasn't a speck of dust in my eye resulting in the +. It was true! It showed a +. I remember talking to my dog, telling her the good news first. I remember weeping, thanking God for this blessing. I remember pacing around my house, trying to figure out what I should do, who should I call? Was this even real? 
Once I regained composure I ran outside to find David. He needed to know! I wanted to celebrate this moment with him. I brought the stick with me, I knew he wouldn't believe it either. "Sweetie, you're gonna be a daddy!" I said.  My husband isn't a very emotional man. He looked at me, and he looked as though he had no words. His eyes wide open, he smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen on his face. The kind of smile a 15 year old boy smiles after he hits the winning home run for his team. David said "Really, really? That's soo great" "Are you sure? How do you know?" I extended my arm, and flashed the + test stick in front of him. "It's positive" I exclaimed. I remember hugging and just feeling like a small little family. We did it. We were on our way to living our dream of being parents. I went back inside and called my doctor. She said to come in to get my first ultrasound in 6 weeks. I made my appointment and marked it in my calendar. I clearly remember writing it in my calendar. It was the most important thing that I had ever written in it. I was soo proud. I couldn't wait to meet our sweetie. 6 weeks seemed forever away.
David and I discussed whether or not to tell anyone. He and I both have such a hard time at Christmas and holidays. We always end up opening birthday, anniversary and Christmas presents to each other way before it's time. This news of our special miracle seemed like the biggest, best present. How were we going to keep it to ourselves? We didn't, we couldn't! We decided to only tell family and close friends. I always dreamed of the day of telling our parents that they were going to be grandparents. We wouldn't, couldn't just TELL them. No, it had to be special. So I went out and bought diapers and bibs. The diapers would be for Dave's parents and the bibs for mine. I recall soo crystal clear the days we told our parents. First Davids parents. They live right across the road so we walked over with the diapers in tote. Dian, my mother in law is a Master gardener. The summer before she had just started using the inside parts of diapers in the bottom of her flower pots. They help absorb and hold water. So we sat there for a while and I kind of just casually handed Dian the diapers and said "here you may want these". She is soo sweet and said "oh thank you, I was going to go to the store to buy some more for my pots" I started laughing and said, "no, you may want to hold on to them, you're going to need them in 9 months" She said"what?" she REALLY didn't understand. However Dick, my father in law did. He smiled soo big and said "They're having a baby mom!" They cheered and gave their congrats. We didn't stay long as I couldn't wait to tell my parents the news. David and I loaded up in his truck and drove over to my parents house where we presented my parents each a gift bag. I made them open them at the same time. As they opened them my mom pulled out her bib that read "I love my grandma" and screamed. My dad smiled and read his "I love you grandpa" They said it was the happiest day of their lives. It was such a special time. We were all soo soo happy. I realized, when we told people it felt like opening the best christmas present over and over again. It warmed my heart and I felt like the proudest mama ever!
The weeks went on, we were all were soo elated! We told a handful of our friends. I of course could not stay away from the baby stuff! I bought boy clothes and girl clothes. It was soo fun. The most fun I've ever had. The feeling of always having someone with me felt remarkable. I always had someone to talk to. My little sweet pea! David and I bought a names book and had started highlighting baby names. We became very anxious for our 6 week appointment. We couldn't wait to meet the life we had made.
The day finally arrived. It was a Monday. I remember the nurse calling me back. I was a ball of emotion. Happy, nervous, excited but mostly in love. In love with the miracle which was inside me, and in love with my husband for being the man that God created him to be for me. The nurse took us inside the ultrasound room. I was going to have a vaginal ultrasound. The ultrasound tech came in, pulled up her stool and began the ultrasound. I remember making small talk with her. She moved the ultrasound probe all around, from one side of my uterus to the other. She clicked the mouse on her machine, as to save the image. At this point I didn't sense anything was wrong. I am an eternal optimist. Nothing could ever go wrong with my baby...or could it? The ultrasound tech said that she couldn't find our little peanut. She said they were too small. She said that happens often. Maybe I wasn't as far along as we had thought. She never said anything that made me worry. We were then moved into the exam room and told the doctor would be in to do my exam. 
The doctor came in and did my pelvic exam. She said my cervix/uterus felt like I was 7 weeks. She cleaned up, washed her hands and sat down. She had a serious look that had fallen on her face. I felt a heat rush through my body. I tried to prepare myself for what she was going to say. She cleared her throat and folded her hands. "Honey" she said. "There isn't a baby in there" "there never was, you had what's called a blighted ovum" "there was a sack but no baby" "I'm sorry, she said" I remember looking at David and just closing my eyes. David came up to me and put his hot, clammy hand on my forehead. I  just wanted to leave. How could this be? The doctor answered a few questions I managed to get out between sobs. "So i never was pregnant?" "No sweetie, it was just the sack, no baby, but the sack puts out the pregnancy hormone so it sort of tricks your body." she said.We gathered our things and left. This was not the ending I had anticipated. I hated walking back through the waiting room. All the visibly pregnant belly's. I wanted to scream at all of them. Who was I becoming? I felt the rage set in. Why? Why? Why? I wanted to know why? I felt soo ashamed. Not that I would ever want my baby to have sacrificed his or her life to make me feel as though I had a story, but now I had NOTHING, no baby, no story, no miscarriage, just an empty sack. What was I supposed to tell people? I felt like a fraud. A lier. I was never pregnant. I could never get that experience back of telling my husband, of telling my parents, of scheduling my first appointment. This empty sack stole it from me.
For the past 3 years, the desire to be a mommy has intensified. I loved the "feeling" I had those short 6 weeks in 2007, when I thought I "was" pregnant. It was soo hard to "un-tell" everyone. I did, I felt like a  thief that had to return stolen items. Everyone was very kind. I heard a lot of "at least you weren't actually pregnant" "You didn't actually loose a baby then, that's good". Well it didn't feel good.  It felt horrible. Part of me wished there were a baby in there so that I wouldn't have felt this way, so empty and much less a woman. This made me sick wishing it. It was a nasty cycle of endless pain. 
Since 2007, if anyone asked if I had ever been pregnant I would say "no". This I believed was the truth. My doctor told me it was "just a sack, not a baby" Nothing lead me to research a blighted ovum. I believed and trusted my doctor. Nothing until tonight that is. I was thinking of topics to place on my blog. I want to educate and arm women with knowledge about infertility. I wanted to correctly explain "an empty sack" to them. I googled "Blighted ovum" and started reading. 


"A blighted ovum is a common type of miscarriage. It happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but the resulting embryo either stops developing very early or doesn't form at all. Nowadays, the term "blighted ovum" is considered out of date. Instead, most medical professionals use the term "early pregnancy failure" to describe this situation.

With an early pregnancy failure, you'll get a positive result on a  pregnancy test, because the placenta begins to develop anyway and starts to secrete human chorionic gonadtrophin (hCG), the hormone that these tests look for. Early on, you may also have some of the symptoms common in a normal pregnancy, such as fatigue, nausea, and sore breasts. Later, when the hormone levels begin to go down, these symptoms will subside and you're likely to have spotting or bleeding.


The most common (and hurtful) misconception is that there never was a baby. There was an embryo. There is no way to know how much of the baby formed and when the baby was absorbed. Some complaints women have are that people actually suggest to them that their body was confused and that their little one only existed in their mind. The body has reacted to the existance of a fertilized egg, the mother was absolutely pregnant--however brief--there was a pregnancy."


I feel robbed. Robbed of the grieving process, robbed of my motherhood. Robbed of special mommy time with my angel in Heaven. I feel sick, I feel like I have abandoned my child. I feel like they have been waiting on their mommy and I never came. I feel like this was all a sick joke. Why was I misinformed? Why was I told it was "Just a sack"? It was not just a sack. It was our baby! My baby! 
Tonight as my fingers tremble typing this blog, and tears well up in my eyes. I have experienced every emotion a mother could experience when they loose a child. Never, ever in my life would I leave my child, or disregard their life. A life begins at conception. I had a child growing inside of me. No matter how big or small. A life. My child's life. A life I didn't know existed the past 3 years. I was just misinformed. I didn't know....but now...now I do...