Saturday, November 5, 2011

I'll run out of breath...

Tonight I had a really special moment with my husband. The moment touched my soul. I think I will always remember this night and our "moment".

We were laying in bed, cuddling. Just talking about our day and life in general. Sometimes "life" passes by soo quickly you actually forget to talk about it. In fact... 9 months, 9 months has passed. 9 months since my IVF cycle. Nearly 9 months ago I had a dream that I clung soo tightly to. A dream that I would be a mommy. That dream was put on hold. The Lord said "not yet". I had a miscarriage. So here I am supposed to be nearly 40 weeks pregnant, but I'm not. Instead, I wait. We wait. 

The moment I experienced with my husband was a build up of 9 painful months. 9 months without a heartbeat, 9 months without an ultrasound, 9 months without celebrating a new life, 9 months without a baby shower, 9 months with no growing belly, 9 months without daddy feeling his son kick when he sings to mommy's belly. 9 months without packing the bag for the hospital, or placing the car seat in the car anticipating when baby will come. 9 months of knowing we wouldn't be bringing a baby home in time for our 7th wedding anniversary (Nov. 20th) 

Our moment was precious. Our moment was perhaps something people who have children will never know. I believe God gave us our "moment" tonight. We were praying to Him when it happened...

As we were praying I asked David to pray for a miracle. To pray that the Lord would bring us a child. That it didn't matter how. As David is praying he says " Lord, you know our hearts. You know we feel broken. Lord, we are waiting. We have been waiting soo long." Then Dave stops. He says "Lord we have asked for miraculous works, I'm not sure what's going on, what the hold up is but, I'm tired...If I wait any longer I'll run out of breath"

That literally broke my heart. He'll run out of breath? My husband usually keeps things kinda to himself. But tonight God gave us our "moment". I got to hear my husband pray to god for a baby. I got to hear my husband plead to the Lord. I got to see into the window of my husbands heart. 

When we finished praying, I continued my prayer silently to the Lord. I prayed that He would hear my husbands plea for a child. That the Lord would lift this heavy burden and allow David to breathe again. That He would hear the exhaustion in David's prayer, how tired he was of waiting. I prayed that the Lord would work a miracle for my husband. I want soo desperately for him to be a daddy. It breaks my heart. 

I was reminded of the days I used to be a competitive swimmer. I would have to hold my breath for a VERY long time. Especially if I wanted to get 1st place. Taking a breath could make or break a race. I remember some races pushing myself soo hard and being soo tired and wanting desperately to just take a breath. Then I'd look up and see the touch pads and knew I was almost done. I had come the entire length of the pool without taking a breath, I couldn't dare breathe "into the wall" (swimmers lingo for the final 5 meters) I had to "dig deep" and push myself to finish the race! 

I suppose our infertility journey is somewhat like my days as a competitive swimmer. We're gonna have to dig deep! And like swimming, we will feel breathless at times. However unlike swimming, the Lord allows us to call forth the breath of God to bring forth life!! 

I'm thankful for our moment tonight. I'm thankful my husband allowed himself to be vulnerable to the Lord. It let me see into the future. Instead of continuing to dwell in the past 9 months. It taught us a lesson. It taught us that ...It's ok if the ONLY thing we did today was breathe...


  1. What a beautiful post. I think sometimes we forget that our husbands desire to have a child is just as great as ours. From time to time I see little glimpses into that, a moment of excitement or a tear here and there. He tends to be my rock while I fall apart. Prayer is so powerful, I pray we all get our miracles someday soon.

  2. Logan you are such an amazing woman!! The relationship with your husband and the journey you both are taking is literally inspirational for me. It's 2am and, while I can't sleep as I wrestle with my own hardships and prayers, I know God gave me your story tonight for an exact purpose.... "it's okay if the only thing i did today was breathe". ...what a beautiful blessing you and David shared tonight :-)

  3. This is exactly I mean exactly what I needed to hear, thank you for sharing your story :)